Molly’s face was pale when I pulled out of the soulgaze with her. I don’t think mine was much better. I’d seen her soul as a landscape, covered with flowers in some places, cracked and fracturing in others. Charity’s death had fallen on her like a hammer. She could become a warlock so easily, out of grief or desire for revenge…
If someone didn’t help her. If someone didn’t stand up for her.
I reached out and grabbed her shoulders. Molly flinched and turned her head away from me. I let her, but said softly, “I’ll vouch for you. I’ll make sure that anyone who wants to hurt you has to go through me first.” I thought of the way that she had almost died in Arctis Tor, and the look in her eyes when she’d seen her mother go off the edge, and my voice hardened. “Literally through me. There’ll be a line.”
Molly gave me a tentative smile before her face crumpled. “Mom,” she whispered. “What are we gonna do?”
I reached out and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Molly came without effort, although even a day ago I think she would have protested being hugged by somebody. She leaned her head on my shoulder, and I closed my eyes and did my best to memorize the sensation.
This was part of my life now. I would have to change things. I would have to fight in different ways. I would have to be more careful, because now there were more lives than mine riding on my decisions and my actions.
I would have to work.
“We’re going to struggle,” I told her.
Michael hadn’t stopped praying since I got Molly home and told him the news.
He wasn’t praying in the house. He was kneeling in the lawn just behind the back door, his hands folded together. If the grass hurt his knees, he gave no sign. Just knelt there, and prayed, and kept his head bowed.
I watched him as long as I could stand it. Then I turned away and went into the living room where the rest of the family waited.
Molly was on the couch with one arm around Harry and one around Hope. They were crying, but in a confused way. I didn’t know if they were too little to really understand, or if they were thinking it was all a mistake and Charity would be in to collect them soon.
I glanced at Molly and raised an eyebrow to ask how she was holding out. She gave me a wan smile in response. But she was doing amazingly, better than I thought I would have done if I’d seen my mother die in front of me at that age.
Better than I had done, seeing Justin die in front of me.
I shook my head briskly and put the memories back where they belonged, turning to Daniel. He was holding Amanda and Alicia. His head was bowed, and I could see his lips moving in prayer.
Matthew, the other Carpenter son, stood in front of the couch and glared at me with furious tears in his eyes.
I met those eyes as long as I dared without starting a soulgaze. “Hey, guys,” I said quietly. “So. I’ll be helping your dad for a little while.”
“What did you do to Mom?” Matthew demanded.
“Matt!” Molly stood up and looked as though she would charge at him, but I caught her eye—this time without fear—and shook my head. She swallowed and sat down, pulling Harry into her lap. Hope rubbed away a few tears and leaned forward to get a better look at my pentacle. I pulled it over my neck and handed it to her solemnly.
Matthew didn’t get distracted. The freckles on his nose were standing out, he was so pale, and he looked as though he was seriously considering stepping up and hitting me. “She went with you,” he hissed. “You should have saved her.”
Alicia and Amanda both looked up. Daniel never did. Molly stared helplessly at her brother. I knew this particular fight was going to be up to me.
Except it couldn’t be a fight. And Matthew couldn’t say anything to me that I hadn’t thought of myself.
I nodded to him. “You’re right,” I said. “I should have.”
Matthew jerked to a halt, blinking at me. “You can’t,” he said, and then stopped again. I thought he was about to say that I couldn’t steal his words like that, and then realized how silly it would sound.
“I should have saved her,” I said. “But sometimes, I can’t. It’s one of those things that I have to live with, and I’m going to help you live with it, too.” I looked around, to find that all of them were staring at me now. Even Daniel seemed to have finished his prayer. His face was more thoughtful than the rest, and I wondered if God talked to him like He did to Michael.
I sent a cautious thought up at the ceiling. I could really use some help right now, Big Guy.
No one answered, of course, but no one had interrupted me, either, and so I kept talking, stumbling over the words sometimes. This was nothing I had planned to say, except maybe to Michael. But if I was going to be part of these kids’ lives, then I’d have to say it to them sooner or later. Now might be as good a time as any. “I want to help you. I know I can’t take your mother’s place, but I can protect you and fight off the things with magic that’ll come after you.” Then I immediately wondered if I should have told them about that, but Molly and Daniel were both nodding as if they already knew, Harry and Hope were too little to really realize, and the middle three…the way Michael looked reminded me of Murphy just then. When she’d started saying that keeping secrets from her did diddly-squat to protect her, it just made her more vulnerable. So I licked my lips and plunged ahead. “We can—I can teach you to recognize some of the threats. I’ll be training your sister to use her magic, too. I’ll be helping your dad. I can baby-sit, and I can drive you to school, and I can set up wards around the house that could matter in the long run. I’ll do everything I can.”
“You killed her,” Matthew muttered, but his voice didn’t have any fire now. I think hearing me admit my guilt had screwed up all his anger.
“I know,” I said gently. “What I’m trying to say is that I’d like to make up for that, to—” I groped for a word, and found it, again, in the words that I only heard here. “I’d like to atone for that, if I can.”
“You will.”
I turned around. Michael had come in from the backyard. His face still carried the recent marks of devastation that I’d put there, but he was walking as though he was carefully balancing the new weight on his shoulders. Matthew ran over to him and buried his head in his father’s chest. Michael wrapped his arms around him and held him as carefully as he was holding that weight.
As carefully as he was holding everything else right at the moment, I thought, and wished I could slink away. This ought to be a private time for Michael and his family.
Michael looked up as if he’d heard the wish, and his eyes locked with mine.
He shook his head. “The Lord gives us no cross too great to bear,” he said softly.
He might have been speaking to his children. He was speaking to his children, I thought. I saw Molly raise her chin and tighten her hold on her little brother and sister. Daniel stood as though someone had put in a new spine for his backbone. Matthew relaxed against his father with a soft moan. Alicia and Amanda both stopped clinging to Daniel quite as tightly.
But those words were for me, too.
And even if I wouldn’t put it the same way as Michael, even if I didn’t have the exact same convictions or support as Michael, I felt some of the same weight—though it was less than his, so much less—and I thought I could use it to balance my steps on the road.
This was part of my life now. I would have to change things. I would have to fight in different ways. I would have to be more careful, because now there were more lives than mine riding on my decisions and my actions.
This, I think, is the part that I'm looking the most forward to. Harry's used to fighting to survive and to protect, but now he has to do it with a care and consideration he's probably never had to. Now, he has something he needs to come back to, more than a dog and a cat and a talking skull.
Am very eagerly waiting to see this new, family-oriented Harry Dresden.
Yeah, I'm going to have a lot of fun with that part. Especially when Harry starts wondering (as he does in the next part) whether he's the best person to offer this help, and does noble, stupid things in the name of giving Michael and his family some space.
Thank you! Harry is, for once, doing something with his pain rather than just focusing on it or using it as an immediate boost to his magic, and it's because he knows Michael and his kids need all his attention.
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timeasmymeasure
Fill, 2/?: Rejoice in Thy Labor
Date: 2011-03-28 01:58 am (UTC)If someone didn’t help her. If someone didn’t stand up for her.
I reached out and grabbed her shoulders. Molly flinched and turned her head away from me. I let her, but said softly, “I’ll vouch for you. I’ll make sure that anyone who wants to hurt you has to go through me first.” I thought of the way that she had almost died in Arctis Tor, and the look in her eyes when she’d seen her mother go off the edge, and my voice hardened. “Literally through me. There’ll be a line.”
Molly gave me a tentative smile before her face crumpled. “Mom,” she whispered. “What are we gonna do?”
I reached out and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Molly came without effort, although even a day ago I think she would have protested being hugged by somebody. She leaned her head on my shoulder, and I closed my eyes and did my best to memorize the sensation.
This was part of my life now. I would have to change things. I would have to fight in different ways. I would have to be more careful, because now there were more lives than mine riding on my decisions and my actions.
I would have to work.
“We’re going to struggle,” I told her.
Michael hadn’t stopped praying since I got Molly home and told him the news.
He wasn’t praying in the house. He was kneeling in the lawn just behind the back door, his hands folded together. If the grass hurt his knees, he gave no sign. Just knelt there, and prayed, and kept his head bowed.
I watched him as long as I could stand it. Then I turned away and went into the living room where the rest of the family waited.
Molly was on the couch with one arm around Harry and one around Hope. They were crying, but in a confused way. I didn’t know if they were too little to really understand, or if they were thinking it was all a mistake and Charity would be in to collect them soon.
I glanced at Molly and raised an eyebrow to ask how she was holding out. She gave me a wan smile in response. But she was doing amazingly, better than I thought I would have done if I’d seen my mother die in front of me at that age.
Better than I had done, seeing Justin die in front of me.
I shook my head briskly and put the memories back where they belonged, turning to Daniel. He was holding Amanda and Alicia. His head was bowed, and I could see his lips moving in prayer.
Matthew, the other Carpenter son, stood in front of the couch and glared at me with furious tears in his eyes.
I met those eyes as long as I dared without starting a soulgaze. “Hey, guys,” I said quietly. “So. I’ll be helping your dad for a little while.”
“What did you do to Mom?” Matthew demanded.
“Matt!” Molly stood up and looked as though she would charge at him, but I caught her eye—this time without fear—and shook my head. She swallowed and sat down, pulling Harry into her lap. Hope rubbed away a few tears and leaned forward to get a better look at my pentacle. I pulled it over my neck and handed it to her solemnly.
Matthew didn’t get distracted. The freckles on his nose were standing out, he was so pale, and he looked as though he was seriously considering stepping up and hitting me. “She went with you,” he hissed. “You should have saved her.”
Alicia and Amanda both looked up. Daniel never did. Molly stared helplessly at her brother. I knew this particular fight was going to be up to me.
Except it couldn’t be a fight. And Matthew couldn’t say anything to me that I hadn’t thought of myself.
I nodded to him. “You’re right,” I said. “I should have.”
Matthew jerked to a halt, blinking at me. “You can’t,” he said, and then stopped again. I thought he was about to say that I couldn’t steal his words like that, and then realized how silly it would sound.
“I should have saved her,” I said. “But sometimes, I can’t. It’s one of those things that I have to live with, and I’m going to help you live with it, too.” I looked around, to find that all of them were staring at me now. Even Daniel seemed to have finished his prayer. His face was more thoughtful than the rest, and I wondered if God talked to him like He did to Michael.
I sent a cautious thought up at the ceiling. I could really use some help right now, Big Guy.
No one answered, of course, but no one had interrupted me, either, and so I kept talking, stumbling over the words sometimes. This was nothing I had planned to say, except maybe to Michael. But if I was going to be part of these kids’ lives, then I’d have to say it to them sooner or later. Now might be as good a time as any. “I want to help you. I know I can’t take your mother’s place, but I can protect you and fight off the things with magic that’ll come after you.” Then I immediately wondered if I should have told them about that, but Molly and Daniel were both nodding as if they already knew, Harry and Hope were too little to really realize, and the middle three…the way Michael looked reminded me of Murphy just then. When she’d started saying that keeping secrets from her did diddly-squat to protect her, it just made her more vulnerable. So I licked my lips and plunged ahead. “We can—I can teach you to recognize some of the threats. I’ll be training your sister to use her magic, too. I’ll be helping your dad. I can baby-sit, and I can drive you to school, and I can set up wards around the house that could matter in the long run. I’ll do everything I can.”
“You killed her,” Matthew muttered, but his voice didn’t have any fire now. I think hearing me admit my guilt had screwed up all his anger.
“I know,” I said gently. “What I’m trying to say is that I’d like to make up for that, to—” I groped for a word, and found it, again, in the words that I only heard here. “I’d like to atone for that, if I can.”
“You will.”
I turned around. Michael had come in from the backyard. His face still carried the recent marks of devastation that I’d put there, but he was walking as though he was carefully balancing the new weight on his shoulders. Matthew ran over to him and buried his head in his father’s chest. Michael wrapped his arms around him and held him as carefully as he was holding that weight.
As carefully as he was holding everything else right at the moment, I thought, and wished I could slink away. This ought to be a private time for Michael and his family.
Michael looked up as if he’d heard the wish, and his eyes locked with mine.
He shook his head. “The Lord gives us no cross too great to bear,” he said softly.
He might have been speaking to his children. He was speaking to his children, I thought. I saw Molly raise her chin and tighten her hold on her little brother and sister. Daniel stood as though someone had put in a new spine for his backbone. Matthew relaxed against his father with a soft moan. Alicia and Amanda both stopped clinging to Daniel quite as tightly.
But those words were for me, too.
And even if I wouldn’t put it the same way as Michael, even if I didn’t have the exact same convictions or support as Michael, I felt some of the same weight—though it was less than his, so much less—and I thought I could use it to balance my steps on the road.
Re: Fill, 2/?: Rejoice in Thy Labor
Date: 2011-03-28 04:07 am (UTC)This, I think, is the part that I'm looking the most forward to. Harry's used to fighting to survive and to protect, but now he has to do it with a care and consideration he's probably never had to. Now, he has something he needs to come back to, more than a dog and a cat and a talking skull.
Am very eagerly waiting to see this new, family-oriented Harry Dresden.
Re: Fill, 2/?: Rejoice in Thy Labor
Date: 2011-03-30 07:48 pm (UTC)Re: Fill, 2/?: Rejoice in Thy Labor
Date: 2011-03-29 05:13 pm (UTC)Re: Fill, 2/?: Rejoice in Thy Labor
Date: 2011-03-30 07:49 pm (UTC)