Later, we both sat on the sofa in one of the sitting rooms. John was watching me as I leaned tiredly against the seat back with my legs bent in front of me. I felt oddly... young. I would've thought being confronted with all the terrible things that I'd lived though would make me feel ancient, but the effect was the opposite. For the first time in years, I thought about my father, about that easy comfort of having someone who cared about to give you support when you needed it most.
I lifted my head to look over my knees at John.
He inclined his head at me. "I'm sorry for forcing you to talk about it."
I shook my head. "At the end, it wasn't you doing it, it was me."
"Still." He put his hand on my ankle, thumb rubbing slow circles over my skin. He made no attempt to move closer, and for the moment I was really thankful for that. I felt too... unbalanced for that. "If it would make things easier for you, I would have myself charmed like you've been. To even the playing field."
I snorted shallowly. "Yeah, okay."
"I would."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "It would help you."
"Again. Why?" John was possibly the most powerful vanilla mortal in the world. Giving up his ability to lie, letting himself be compelled to tell the truth and then some, it didn't make sense. It was so dangerous.
He just smiled in a soft, secretive way. I wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but he spoke first. "If you require someone to... speak to, I know a few people." At my blank look, he sighed and elaborated: "Therapists, Harry. I have the names of a few clued-in individuals who provide their services to my people."
A shrink? Seriously? The idea was kind of a joke. How could I talk to someone who was listening for cash? Someone I didn't even know, I couldn't trust them. No, if I was going to talk to someone...
I looked at John and thought about it. The truth charm had dragged up a lot of things I had no idea what to do with. It was all too big, like finding that garden Lea planted on the flipside of my old apartment. I didn't exactly know how I felt. How do you go your whole life not knowing about-- or, I guess, flat-out ignoring-- such a massive part of yourself and then deal with it? When you lied to yourself that long...
Oh hell's bells, was that it? Was that my lesson?
I had a way to be sure.
"Hey." I poked John with my foot. "Ask me what the lesson was."
"What was the lesson?"
I sighed, and felt Lea's magic take my voice. "Lying to others is bad enough on its own, but lying to myself is worse. I've been tearing myself apart and at this rate, I'm going to be the shortest-lived Winter Knight ever." I thought about that and nodded. It made sense. Lea cared about me as much as a faerie could and didn't want me to let myself die. And that... that might've been the path I was on right now.
At least now I knew it. That was a start, and the start was the hardest part.
I met John's gaze, calmer if not quite all right. I thought I could get to 'all right' though. With time. "Ask me if I want to talk about..." I waved a hand, encompassing all the crap I'd been through.
John's smile was sad, but his hand was still warm on my skin. "Do you want to talk about what happened to you?"
The answer wasn't immediate, the compulsion working more slowly. "Yeah." I swallowed. "Not right now though?"
"All right. In your own time." His fingers ran higher under my pant leg, sweeping up and down my calf.
I unbent my legs and scooted down the sofa, closer to him. "I think Lea's spell is breaking. Do you want to ask me anything else?"
John's pupils dilated just like that, his lips parting with a startled inhale. The offer hit him deep. "Why would..." He stopped and revised, cutting out the question. "You'd let me do that."
I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you already dealt with me breaking down all over you. And you, you'd really take an honesty spell if you could?"
"Yes." He shifted to turn towards me, one arm sliding along the back of the sofa and around my shoulders. "A trade, then. I'll ask something of you and you in return can ask anything of me and I'll endeavor to answer as truthfully as I can."
That sounded too good to be true. It was heady and foolish and I wouldn't have agreed to it if all the honesty so far hadn't rubbed me raw and left me wanting something in return. "Okay."
John's fingers danced along my hairline, tracing curves and patterns into my skin. His eyes on me were rapt, unwavering. "I've wondered for some time... You're quite accomplished at sending mixed signals. What am I to you, Mr. Dresden?"
Oh. I wasn't sure. Hell, I had no idea. "You're my lifeline. I think I'd go crazy without you. When I'm with you, Mab's influence isn't so strong." I leaned my head into his hand, exhaling slowly as he massaged my scalp. "I don't have to be a Warden or a Knight here. You never wanted that, even back when we first met. You just wanted me and that's kind of creepy, but I get it. It works for us." By the time I went quiet, I could feel Lea's charm unraveling from my voice. Lesson learned, I suppose.
John looked... pleased. Content or maybe validated by my answer. "Thank you. Your turn, I believe."
I didn't know what I wanted to ask him. I didn't want to betray the trust he'd given me. I didn't want to take advantage, considering he'd surprised the hell out of me by not using my charm against me. I wasn't sure what was important enough that I wanted to know.
But there was something I was dying to know...
I asked quietly, "Why would you even offer that to me?"
"Is that your question?"
I considered, but nodded. "Yeah."
He smiled, candid and warm, then leaned in. John kissed me, long and languid and slow, because he even if he didn't come out and say things, he could be so completely, fearlessly honest in other ways. He had been since he'd tried to get me to move in with him. Maybe even longer ago.
Stars, I thought as I kissed him back. Maybe there was something to this honesty thing.
This was... beautiful. I had tears in my eyes from Marcone's devotion to Harry. What a crazy route Lea devised to getting Harry the help he needs, and we know for sure that Marcone is going to ensure Harry gets it. So hopeful and so very loving. Thank you. <3
Hahaha, Marcone covets Harry like nobody's business. He'll do anything to keep him around and happy. And Lea has no non-crazy routes, srsly. Glad you liked!
oooh. this was beautiful, thanks so much for writing this! I've just started getting into this fandom because of cobweb diamond and you are totes one of my favorite authors!
I kind of love how Harry starts deliberately using the spell to figure out what he thinks. "Ask me what the lesson was," hee. Also love the offers he and John make to each other. Honest communication in a relationship, how revolutionary and strange! (The sad and fucked-up thing is, it IS new and strange to both of them. And kicked off by a terrible violation of Harry's free will. Oh, Dresdenverse.)
Yeah, I'm well aware that. I find it hilarious/depressing if takes a big betrayal of consent to make Harry talk about his history with consent. So very fucked up.
Ohh, Harry and his consent issues... And millions of his other issues... Thank you! What a pleasure to discover a new fandom, when you find right at the beginning so talented an author!
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Completed! Fill 7/7
I lifted my head to look over my knees at John.
He inclined his head at me. "I'm sorry for forcing you to talk about it."
I shook my head. "At the end, it wasn't you doing it, it was me."
"Still." He put his hand on my ankle, thumb rubbing slow circles over my skin. He made no attempt to move closer, and for the moment I was really thankful for that. I felt too... unbalanced for that. "If it would make things easier for you, I would have myself charmed like you've been. To even the playing field."
I snorted shallowly. "Yeah, okay."
"I would."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "It would help you."
"Again. Why?" John was possibly the most powerful vanilla mortal in the world. Giving up his ability to lie, letting himself be compelled to tell the truth and then some, it didn't make sense. It was so dangerous.
He just smiled in a soft, secretive way. I wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but he spoke first. "If you require someone to... speak to, I know a few people." At my blank look, he sighed and elaborated: "Therapists, Harry. I have the names of a few clued-in individuals who provide their services to my people."
A shrink? Seriously? The idea was kind of a joke. How could I talk to someone who was listening for cash? Someone I didn't even know, I couldn't trust them. No, if I was going to talk to someone...
I looked at John and thought about it. The truth charm had dragged up a lot of things I had no idea what to do with. It was all too big, like finding that garden Lea planted on the flipside of my old apartment. I didn't exactly know how I felt. How do you go your whole life not knowing about-- or, I guess, flat-out ignoring-- such a massive part of yourself and then deal with it? When you lied to yourself that long...
Oh hell's bells, was that it? Was that my lesson?
I had a way to be sure.
"Hey." I poked John with my foot. "Ask me what the lesson was."
"What was the lesson?"
I sighed, and felt Lea's magic take my voice. "Lying to others is bad enough on its own, but lying to myself is worse. I've been tearing myself apart and at this rate, I'm going to be the shortest-lived Winter Knight ever." I thought about that and nodded. It made sense. Lea cared about me as much as a faerie could and didn't want me to let myself die. And that... that might've been the path I was on right now.
At least now I knew it. That was a start, and the start was the hardest part.
I met John's gaze, calmer if not quite all right. I thought I could get to 'all right' though. With time. "Ask me if I want to talk about..." I waved a hand, encompassing all the crap I'd been through.
John's smile was sad, but his hand was still warm on my skin. "Do you want to talk about what happened to you?"
The answer wasn't immediate, the compulsion working more slowly. "Yeah." I swallowed. "Not right now though?"
"All right. In your own time." His fingers ran higher under my pant leg, sweeping up and down my calf.
I unbent my legs and scooted down the sofa, closer to him. "I think Lea's spell is breaking. Do you want to ask me anything else?"
John's pupils dilated just like that, his lips parting with a startled inhale. The offer hit him deep. "Why would..." He stopped and revised, cutting out the question. "You'd let me do that."
I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you already dealt with me breaking down all over you. And you, you'd really take an honesty spell if you could?"
"Yes." He shifted to turn towards me, one arm sliding along the back of the sofa and around my shoulders. "A trade, then. I'll ask something of you and you in return can ask anything of me and I'll endeavor to answer as truthfully as I can."
That sounded too good to be true. It was heady and foolish and I wouldn't have agreed to it if all the honesty so far hadn't rubbed me raw and left me wanting something in return. "Okay."
John's fingers danced along my hairline, tracing curves and patterns into my skin. His eyes on me were rapt, unwavering. "I've wondered for some time... You're quite accomplished at sending mixed signals. What am I to you, Mr. Dresden?"
Oh. I wasn't sure. Hell, I had no idea. "You're my lifeline. I think I'd go crazy without you. When I'm with you, Mab's influence isn't so strong." I leaned my head into his hand, exhaling slowly as he massaged my scalp. "I don't have to be a Warden or a Knight here. You never wanted that, even back when we first met. You just wanted me and that's kind of creepy, but I get it. It works for us." By the time I went quiet, I could feel Lea's charm unraveling from my voice. Lesson learned, I suppose.
John looked... pleased. Content or maybe validated by my answer. "Thank you. Your turn, I believe."
I didn't know what I wanted to ask him. I didn't want to betray the trust he'd given me. I didn't want to take advantage, considering he'd surprised the hell out of me by not using my charm against me. I wasn't sure what was important enough that I wanted to know.
But there was something I was dying to know...
I asked quietly, "Why would you even offer that to me?"
"Is that your question?"
I considered, but nodded. "Yeah."
He smiled, candid and warm, then leaned in. John kissed me, long and languid and slow, because he even if he didn't come out and say things, he could be so completely, fearlessly honest in other ways. He had been since he'd tried to get me to move in with him. Maybe even longer ago.
Stars, I thought as I kissed him back. Maybe there was something to this honesty thing.
Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 07:54 am (UTC)(link)Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 10:33 am (UTC)(link)Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 12:42 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
op Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 01:15 pm (UTC)(link)See, I told you it would be all right. And it was! Oh Harry, with your list of people who've hurt you, and all your rage. Oh John, you crazy bastard.
Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
(Anonymous) 2011-02-20 10:17 am (UTC)(link)Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
(Anonymous) 2011-02-24 08:52 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Completed! Fill 7/7
Thank you! What a pleasure to discover a new fandom, when you find right at the beginning so talented an author!