Note: Probably not as funny a conversation as OP was looking for. *I* was amused writing it though.
"We need to talk."
I glared at my subconscious self and slumped in the chair, because I knew it annoyed her. "What about? There's nothing insane and life threatening on. Can't you just go away and let me sleep?"
Other me tapped foot against the floor and muttered to herself in perfectly accented Latin. Damn her.
"I suppose the life threatening angle is debatable, but there is most definitely something insane going on. You remember the incident two months ago? The one with the giant squid thing? Where we ended up-"
"Yes!" I was blushing. I recalled the 'incident' very well. We- *I* had ended up very cold, very wet, and mostly naked on Marcone's yacht after he'd shown up and harpooned the damn thing. There'd been yelling on both our parts, something about me being a reckless fool to go chasing after something that big in Thomas' dinky little boat, something about him being a stalker and a cave man who should just back off and let me take care of my own damn self and then there'd been hair pulling, screaming of another kind, and a very broken bed in the cabin. We'd had to be towed back to the dock because the engine and every electronic doodad on the boat went out. Don't look at me. It could have been anyone.
"Mmmhmmm. Well, in the middle of all that really fabulous sex, something got forgotten."
Yeah. Our names, our dignity, the fact that the boat was crawling with armed men who got to listen to us...
Fingers snapped in front of my face. "Pay attention. Protection. A rubber. A condom. You two *forgot*."
I thought for a second. Huh. She was right. We had forgotten, in the rush of it all. Oops.
"Yeah, okay. We forgot. Our bad. And when I say 'we' and 'our', I'm including you, too. Like you keep saying, we're the same person. So if I forgot, so did you. But it's no big deal. We're always careful, so one time is bad, but not the end of the world." I got up and pushed past her, walking out of the circle of light. She couldn't let me get away without a parting shot. As I started to fade back into real sleep, her voice rang through me.
"Hah! 'No big deal'? You're *late*!"
I woke up gasping. Oh. Oh *shit*.
I tripped over my sheets running for the kitchen calendar, startling Mister and causing Mouse to give me a look from his position on the couch. Once I'd hobbled in there I double checked my count. Then I checked it again. And again. Just in case math had changed while I was asleep. No joy. I wasn't just late, I was LATE. Damn.
I thought about calling Murphy. As my best- as my *only* girl friend, it was her job to help me through stuff like this. Right? Only she didn't know I was seeing Marcone, let alone jumping him at the slightest hint of privacy. I paced the apartment, muttering to myself. I needed one of those tests. That was the first thing. I tried to cheer myself up. I'd run out and buy the pregnancy test, and it would turn up nothing. False alarm, stress and all that, my stupid subconscious making me worry for nothing. And I'd resolve to be very, very careful from now on.
*
I wound up buying four different pregnancy tests. The woman at the convenience store had looked very sympathetic, patted me on the back of the hand and told me that sometimes these things gave false readings, so it was best to try a couple of them. And the only real way to be sure was to go to see a doctor. But that was never going to happen, because the tests would all come up negative. Because I was most definitely Not Pregnant.
I crouched in my tiny bathroom wearing only an over sized t-shirt that read 'I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on.' It had seemed appropriate this morning. The instructions for these things were written in gibberish. Or maybe my panic was making it hard to concentrate. So many ways to go with that. Anyway. I'd finally manged to translate it down to, 'pee on stick, wait two minutes, learn your fate' when I heard a key turning at the front door. I jumped, banged my head on the edge of the sink, and let out a few colorful phrases. There were only a few people who had keys to my apartment. None of them needed to see me running around bare assed. Or, well, one of them didn't need to see it right *now*.
I had just finished buttoning my pants when the door finally swung open. Damn zombies. I'd never gotten around to hanging the thing right. Maybe I should take Michael up on his offer to fix it for me.
John walked through, smiling, until he took in my outfit and general dishevelled-ness. The smile faded a little around the edges.
"You've either forgotten that we had a lunch date, or you've misunderstood the definitions of 'nice' and 'dress'."
"I forgot!" Because I had more important things to think about. Like college tuition! Or how to child-proof my damn lab! And Bob. No, forget that. There was no child-proofing Bob. "You wait right there. Don't *move*. I will be back in two seconds, ready and dressed." I headed back for the bedroom. Then I stopped, turned and pointed at him. Sternly. "Don't. Move." I'd hung the dress he'd bought for me up in the far corner of the closet, so I'd be able to find it quickly. A minute later I was tugging on a pair of flat sandals and ruffling my short hair so it would look deliberate and not like bed-head.
When I got back out into the living room John was still standing where I'd left him.
With the instructions for the pregnancy test in his hands. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows without a word.
"I told you not to move!" Sneaky, paranoid, snooping...
"I never took a step. Mister brought these to me." He'd subverted my cat! "Is there something you'd like to tell me?" He held the instructions out in one hand. I leaned forward and snatched them from him, crumpling them up and tossing them back behind me at the bathroom door. Mister came streaking out, swatted at the ball and hit it back to Marcone. I glared at my cat, who looked supremely unconcerned and sat down to wash himself.
"No." I crossed my arms, then uncrossed them. I looked to Mouse, but my dog had apparently abandoned me too. He was laying on the floor in front of the couch, eyes very firmly closed with one paw resting on his nose. Faker. I knew he was awake. "Maybe? I don't know. There's the possibility that there may be something that I should tell you in the near future. But right now, there's nothing to tell you because I don't know if there's anything to tell you." And I was babbling. Perfect.
"I see." He did not see.
"There is the remote possibility. Remote, I would like to emphasise, that I may be pregnant." The last word came out on a squeak. I bit my lip and folded my arms again. John was dead silent for about a minute and a half. Then he turned and walked out the door. My jaw dropped open and I stared.
"You ASSHOLE!" I grabbed the nearest book and charged across the room and out the door myself. I was going to brain him with it.
So of course I ran into him, full speed, coming back down my stairs. John's no light weight, but he hadn't been expecting to be run into and he went over backwards. I cussed, caught him by the front of his suit, and hauled back so he didn't smash his head in. *I* was going to do that. As soon as he was upright.
Apparently he got the idea I wasn't too happy with him, because he took hold of my arms at the elbows, preempting my bash Marcone over the head plan.
"Harry. I was just asking Mr. Hendricks to park the car and wait." He smiled, a little sad. "Do you really think I would just walk out on you?"
"Nooo...not really. I guess. But you just walked out! You could have just *told* me where you were going!"
"You're right. I apologise. I admit to being a little...shocked. We've always been so careful and then-"
"The yacht thing."
"Yes. I had figured that part out. But as I was saying. It was a shock, that's all. Can we go back inside now?"
"Okay. But you're staying through all the tests. No bugging out until we know for sure."
So like this fill. Hope you will do more. I thought it had a nice sense of humor and enjoyed girl Harry, John's shock and his coming around, and how the critters were on John's side. Hope you will do more. Thanks.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-14 09:15 pm (UTC)(link)"We need to talk."
I glared at my subconscious self and slumped in the chair, because I knew it annoyed her. "What about? There's nothing insane and life threatening on. Can't you just go away and let me sleep?"
Other me tapped foot against the floor and muttered to herself in perfectly accented Latin. Damn her.
"I suppose the life threatening angle is debatable, but there is most definitely something insane going on. You remember the incident two months ago? The one with the giant squid thing? Where we ended up-"
"Yes!" I was blushing. I recalled the 'incident' very well. We- *I* had ended up very cold, very wet, and mostly naked on Marcone's yacht after he'd shown up and harpooned the damn thing. There'd been yelling on both our parts, something about me being a reckless fool to go chasing after something that big in Thomas' dinky little boat, something about him being a stalker and a cave man who should just back off and let me take care of my own damn self and then there'd been hair pulling, screaming of another kind, and a very broken bed in the cabin. We'd had to be towed back to the dock because the engine and every electronic doodad on the boat went out. Don't look at me. It could have been anyone.
"Mmmhmmm. Well, in the middle of all that really fabulous sex, something got forgotten."
Yeah. Our names, our dignity, the fact that the boat was crawling with armed men who got to listen to us...
Fingers snapped in front of my face. "Pay attention. Protection. A rubber. A condom. You two *forgot*."
I thought for a second. Huh. She was right. We had forgotten, in the rush of it all. Oops.
"Yeah, okay. We forgot. Our bad. And when I say 'we' and 'our', I'm including you, too. Like you keep saying, we're the same person. So if I forgot, so did you. But it's no big deal. We're always careful, so one time is bad, but not the end of the world." I got up and pushed past her, walking out of the circle of light. She couldn't let me get away without a parting shot. As I started to fade back into real sleep, her voice rang through me.
"Hah! 'No big deal'? You're *late*!"
I woke up gasping. Oh. Oh *shit*.
I tripped over my sheets running for the kitchen calendar, startling Mister and causing Mouse to give me a look from his position on the couch. Once I'd hobbled in there I double checked my count. Then I checked it again. And again. Just in case math had changed while I was asleep. No joy. I wasn't just late, I was LATE. Damn.
I thought about calling Murphy. As my best- as my *only* girl friend, it was her job to help me through stuff like this. Right? Only she didn't know I was seeing Marcone, let alone jumping him at the slightest hint of privacy. I paced the apartment, muttering to myself. I needed one of those tests. That was the first thing. I tried to cheer myself up. I'd run out and buy the pregnancy test, and it would turn up nothing. False alarm, stress and all that, my stupid subconscious making me worry for nothing. And I'd resolve to be very, very careful from now on.
*
I wound up buying four different pregnancy tests. The woman at the convenience store had looked very sympathetic, patted me on the back of the hand and told me that sometimes these things gave false readings, so it was best to try a couple of them. And the only real way to be sure was to go to see a doctor. But that was never going to happen, because the tests would all come up negative. Because I was most definitely Not Pregnant.
I crouched in my tiny bathroom wearing only an over sized t-shirt that read 'I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on.' It had seemed appropriate this morning. The instructions for these things were written in gibberish. Or maybe my panic was making it hard to concentrate. So many ways to go with that. Anyway. I'd finally manged to translate it down to, 'pee on stick, wait two minutes, learn your fate' when I heard a key turning at the front door. I jumped, banged my head on the edge of the sink, and let out a few colorful phrases. There were only a few people who had keys to my apartment. None of them needed to see me running around bare assed. Or, well, one of them didn't need to see it right *now*.
I had just finished buttoning my pants when the door finally swung open. Damn zombies. I'd never gotten around to hanging the thing right. Maybe I should take Michael up on his offer to fix it for me.
John walked through, smiling, until he took in my outfit and general dishevelled-ness. The smile faded a little around the edges.
"You've either forgotten that we had a lunch date, or you've misunderstood the definitions of 'nice' and 'dress'."
"I forgot!" Because I had more important things to think about. Like college tuition! Or how to child-proof my damn lab! And Bob. No, forget that. There was no child-proofing Bob. "You wait right there. Don't *move*. I will be back in two seconds, ready and dressed." I headed back for the bedroom. Then I stopped, turned and pointed at him. Sternly. "Don't. Move." I'd hung the dress he'd bought for me up in the far corner of the closet, so I'd be able to find it quickly. A minute later I was tugging on a pair of flat sandals and ruffling my short hair so it would look deliberate and not like bed-head.
When I got back out into the living room John was still standing where I'd left him.
With the instructions for the pregnancy test in his hands. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows without a word.
"I told you not to move!" Sneaky, paranoid, snooping...
"I never took a step. Mister brought these to me." He'd subverted my cat! "Is there something you'd like to tell me?" He held the instructions out in one hand. I leaned forward and snatched them from him, crumpling them up and tossing them back behind me at the bathroom door. Mister came streaking out, swatted at the ball and hit it back to Marcone. I glared at my cat, who looked supremely unconcerned and sat down to wash himself.
"No." I crossed my arms, then uncrossed them. I looked to Mouse, but my dog had apparently abandoned me too. He was laying on the floor in front of the couch, eyes very firmly closed with one paw resting on his nose. Faker. I knew he was awake. "Maybe? I don't know. There's the possibility that there may be something that I should tell you in the near future. But right now, there's nothing to tell you because I don't know if there's anything to tell you." And I was babbling. Perfect.
"I see." He did not see.
"There is the remote possibility. Remote, I would like to emphasise, that I may be pregnant." The last word came out on a squeak. I bit my lip and folded my arms again. John was dead silent for about a minute and a half. Then he turned and walked out the door. My jaw dropped open and I stared.
"You ASSHOLE!" I grabbed the nearest book and charged across the room and out the door myself. I was going to brain him with it.
So of course I ran into him, full speed, coming back down my stairs. John's no light weight, but he hadn't been expecting to be run into and he went over backwards. I cussed, caught him by the front of his suit, and hauled back so he didn't smash his head in. *I* was going to do that. As soon as he was upright.
Apparently he got the idea I wasn't too happy with him, because he took hold of my arms at the elbows, preempting my bash Marcone over the head plan.
"Harry. I was just asking Mr. Hendricks to park the car and wait." He smiled, a little sad. "Do you really think I would just walk out on you?"
"Nooo...not really. I guess. But you just walked out! You could have just *told* me where you were going!"
"You're right. I apologise. I admit to being a little...shocked. We've always been so careful and then-"
"The yacht thing."
"Yes. I had figured that part out. But as I was saying. It was a shock, that's all. Can we go back inside now?"
"Okay. But you're staying through all the tests. No bugging out until we know for sure."
"Of course. Where else would I be?"
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 01:51 pm (UTC)(link)op Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-14 09:31 pm (UTC)(link)Re: op Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 01:52 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-14 09:35 pm (UTC)(link)So much love for this fill. XD
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 01:53 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 01:54 pm (UTC)(link)Well, she didn't *really* want to hurt him. Not yet anyway. Unless he was actually driving away. In which case, 'boom'. ;)
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-14 11:04 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 01:54 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
B. LOL For everything else. :D
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 01:55 pm (UTC)(link)B. :D
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 11:52 am (UTC)(link)Thanks.
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 11:53 am (UTC)(link)Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 02:04 pm (UTC)(link)I'm glad you liked it! :)
Re: Fill: Wait Two Minutes, Learn Your Fate
(Anonymous) 2011-03-05 03:31 am (UTC)(link)