(Just a warning right off-- this is likely going to delve into Harry's history with rape and dubious consent. Might be triggery for some.)
the trick is not to mind that it hurts
The bad thing about being the Winter Knight-- well, okay, there was a lot about it that sucked. If you asked me what the worst part of having the mantle was five times, I'd give you five different answers. I would never say the deal I made with Mab wasn't worth it, because it was, but to say I had regrets would be putting it lightly. There was a lot of ifs. If I had more time, I could have made a deal with someone else. If I'd been stronger, I could have gone without Winter's magic. If the apartment fire hadn't been such a disaster, I wouldn't have paralyzed myself.
If I wasn't the Winter Knight, Lea would back off.
"It was a white lie!" I was trudging through Winter's snowy plains, looking for the right Way to get me back to Chicago. "I got the job done."
My Godmother on her horse kept a steady gallop next to me as I huffed through the knee-high snow. I really needed to learn that walk-above-the-snow trick. I'd hoped it'd come naturally with being a part of the Court, but apparently there was a knack to it I was missing. "My sweet, you must know that lying to your Queen is treasonous."
Treasonous? Seriously? I walked faster, wanting out of Faerie now. I was tempted to just rip a hole to the mortal world and just jump through. I could hitchhike to Chicago. "She wanted the lesser Fae to obey. I got them to obey."
"Not through alliance to this Court, but with bribery," Lea countered chidingly.
Pizza, the Winter Knight's secret weapon. I was supposed to enforce some of Mab's orders with my power, but I didn't like bullying the lesser Fae. There were a bunch of working joes like me. It would be like betraying my people.
"It got done."
"Not out of loyalty to their Queen, but to you. That upsets power and is dangerous."
I shrugged. "What do you want, Lea?"
"To teach you an important lesson, sweet."
Oh, you better believe that set off alarm bells. When I was purely mortal, I had that protection from the Fae. Most of the time, they could not toy with people that didn't somehow belong to them. Now, I was unequivocally property of the Fae. Most didn't dare screw with me, but Mab? Yeah. And my Godmother? She was practically my handler these days.
I reached out to rip a hole out of Faerie. "Appar--"
Lea made a gesture, like catching a snowflake in mid-air, and my voice vanished just like that. She cupped her hands together, looking into her palms. Stars, maybe she had caught my voice. "Let us see what we can do about that dishonest streak, little Knight." Her thumbs swept into the bowl of her hands and I clutched my throat as a ticklish sensation stirred there. What was she doing?
She slid off her mount, hands free, and drifted over the snow to me. She was murmuring into what I assumed was one of my chakra, whichever one it was that handled speech and communication. As she did, I couldn't make myself stop scratching at my neck. Something was going on there and it felt wrong. I didn't have a way to make it stop though. Even if I did, fighting back against Lea would be a bad idea.
After a moment of fiddling, she cupped my chin and nudged her thumb against my lips. "Open," she commanded, and I reluctantly did. She tipped her other hand against my mouth, like she was giving me a drink. I felt some strange ephemeron pour into my mouth and down my throat, like something lighter than water. I drew away, coughing like I'd just swallowed a particularly bubbly drink. My cough had sound to it though, which was a relief.
"What did you do?"
Lea smiled, smoothing my hair tenderly. "Consider it removing a veil. No more hiding truths. Not until you learn."
"Learn what?"
She chuckled and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "That would defeat my purpose." She returned to her mount and swung gracefully up onto it. "And should I hear tale that you are hiding away in your little house, behind your little wards, I will be displeased."
She rode back to Arctic Tor. Not a single flake of snow was disturbed by her travel.
I, on the other hand, forced my way back to Chicago, each step an effort with the weight of whatever charm laid on me pushing down on me.
Without Lea's threat, I would have hidden in my house until the charm blew over. I didn't want to deal with whatever game she was playing with me. I didn't even want the specifics of the charm.
But fighting the Leanansidhe, perhaps the most powerful Fae in Winter but the Queens themselves, was not a great idea.
I needed to know what I was up against before adventuring out past my front door. I went to talk to Bob in the basement of my brownstone. Having a basement had been almost the deciding factor of picking out my new place. I just couldn't keep my lab anywhere else. It was habit by now.
"Bob," I called as I pulled on my robe. I didn't actually feel cold much anymore, but it was another habit I retained from Before (as I mentally referred to the time before I took the mantle and was killed). "Wake up, lazybones, I've been charmed and need a consult."
Bob's eyelights blinked on. "Charmed? The sexy kind or-- oh!" His orange light shone on my neck. "Not the sexy kind. Unless you're into magical bondage. I got a few ideas you could try out on your boyfriend."
Yeah, that'd go over well for the half-second it'd take for John to get a knife at my throat. "No. My Godmother is teaching me that lying is naughty. Can you see what's been done?"
"Of course. Nice work. Delicate. She's tied your voice to a deep part of your mind. What you say is going to come directly from there, no trims or frills. You'll probably answer questions faster and with complete honesty."
I groaned. "I got truth-spelled?"
"Yeah. Allow me to demonstrate," he said, then asked very quickly, "You and Murphy, why haven't you two gotten it on yet?"
"Almost did," I answered without hesitation. "She never wanted a relationship with me, but I agreed to a one-night thing as one last hurrah before being the Winter Knight. I got shot before I could go through with it."
I recoiled like someone had slapped me. "Wait, that... something's wrong, that's not true."
"You're alive again. Why not bed her now?"
"Because I didn't want to do it before. I just wanted a comfort after Maggie and the Knight thing. I was going to give up my free will to Mab. After that, bending to Murphy's terms didn't hurt so much." I slapped a hand over my mouth, too late. "That's not--" When Bob's jaw opened again, I nearly flung myself at him. "No! No more! Don't ask me anything else!"
Bob's lights dimmed. "Boss..."
"Something's wrong with the charm. All that, it wasn't true." It wasn't. I wanted to sleep with Murphy. Okay, it was a bit of a last hurrah, but I cared about Murphy. I didn't think of it that way. We were friends who'd been through hell together to save my daughter. I wanted to be with her. If it wasn't in the way I wanted, that was... fine. It was fine.
"I don't know, Harry. Why would--" I glared at Bob and he rephrased. "I just wonder why she would curse you to lie?"
I shrugged. "Hey, it could work. She could be showing me that lying causes more trouble than telling the truth, so when the compulsion's gone, I'll be more likely to tell the truth." It made sense to me. I sighed in relief at having figured out Lea's deal.
Bob didn't sound as confident. "I'm looking at the spell working. It doesn't really look like that..."
"But it makes sense. Occam's Razor."
"Occam's Razor doesn't really work on Fae. They don't think like you mortals do."
I knew that from experience. But I didn't want that to be true.
Either way, I couldn't stay cooped up inside. Lea made that clear. Things were going to be... interesting.
Molly was in a good mood that clashed with my stormy disposition. "Hey, boss, what's got you grumpy this time?"
Right off the bat. I couldn't keep my mouth shut. It's like my entire body stopped as words poured out of me, my control only coming back when I was done. "The Leanansidhe's put a curse on me so I can't lie." I shook myself hard. "No, I can't tell the truth. That's it."
Molly blinked at me. "Oh. Um. Hold on, I remember this riddle from Labyrinth."
I sighed. "Just..." I rubbed my face. "Warding. We're going to work on warding. And you're not going to ask me any questions."
She frowned at me. "If I can't ask questions, how am I going to learn?"
"You're not." I winced. "Okay, you can ask, but... just be careful what you ask." I pulled out a notebook I'd filled with runes and symbols. "Here. Work on copying these, as perfect as you can. It's important to be able to write the ward anchors perfectly before we attempt anything."
So I got Molly working on the paperwork and stole a glass of homemade lemonade from the Carpenters' fridge.
Michael came in, grabbed his own glass, and poured more lemonade. He topped off my glass as well. "Harry." He smiled warmly at me. "How is your Knighthood going?"
Oh crap. "Horribly. I hate it. A lot of time, I don't even feel human anymore. I have dreams about falling into the lake and not coming back, and they're not nightmares."
Michael's jaw dropped. Through the kitchen doorway, I could see Molly's head snap up, a similar expression of shock on her face.
I couldn't do this. Goddamn Lea, I couldn't just say things like that to my friends, to the people who were the closest thing I had to family. I didn't need to think about those dreams. There was too much bubbling under the surface and the most innocent questions brought it all up, like a pot boiling over.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. "Dammit." I exhaled. "Dammit." I tore out of the kitchen, grabbing my staff. "Molly, explain-- explain that, I have to leave."
As I headed out the door, I hear Michael call after me, "Where are you going?"
"Winter!" I answered before hoping into the Nevernever.
I scorched a circle in the snow around, fueling my fire with raw hurt and anger. This was ridiculous. I had told one white lie to my Queen and in return Lea screwed me over like this. How the hell was this an appropriate response? And what the hell was the lesson? If it was to be more honest, Lea had certainly screwed it up royally. Now I was convinced the random lie was for the greater good. Nothing would come out of telling my friends how miserable I was. Nothing would come out of examining the... thing with Murphy, especially not now.
So I brought up my circle around me and called out. "Leanansidhe! Leanansidhe! Leanansidhe! Come forth! The Winter Knight demands audience!"
I broke the circle with a toe and felt my call radiate out into Winter like a ripple.
I don't know if it was because my new rank actually had some leverage or if she'd been waiting for me, but within a few minutes, I heard the hounds to the east. Or to my right, anyway. I didn't know if compass directions had meaning in the Nevernever. Probably not.
I walked to meet her, not having to worry about trudging through the snow because it melted before me. I should've been tapping further into icy Winter magic, but had yet to really feel the urge to. Probably part and parcel of that wishing I hadn't come back from the dead thing.
Stars, now I knew how Buffy felt. But it shouldn't've mattered. I made the deal with Mab, I'd suck it up and suffer through. No one else made me take up the mantle. It was my burden, not to be undone by a simple, innocent question from a man I trusted.
Lea brought her mount to a stop as I approached. "You summoned me, my sweet Knight?"
I pointed to my neck. "Take it off. Get rid of it. Now."
She threw her head back and laughed. "Such forcefulness! What is the problem?"
"I can't go around answering every fucking question honestly! When someone asks me how my life's going, they don't need the specifics!"
She nodded attentively. "So you need to lie to your loved ones."
"No! It's not lying it's..." I scrubbed my face, looking for the right word. "Not volunteering information. It's knowing when the right time to talk about these things is. And chatting over lemonade in the kitchen is not the right time!"
She reached down and put a hand on my hair, brushing my bangs back, giving me a vaguely maternal look. "My sweet, I am not of your people, but even I know that what you're doing will beget only more suffering." She raked her nails over my scalp and I felt some of my anger pulled away, a dull calm replacing it. "You are not learning the lesson. I do not do this to pain you, but out of concern for you, my Knight. My godson."
"Lea..."
"You are going to be bound to Winter for a long time, child. As things stand, I can see you ripping yourself apart, piece by piece, and denying it every time someone says you're bleeding." She touched her fingers to her lips, then to my forehead. "Go back to your world, little one. I've dispensed all the help I can."
My anger was soothed, swept away by Faerie magic, leaving me feeling empty where it had been. I didn't want to fight her anymore. I just felt like I was hurt, aching deep in my bones.
I nodded slowly to my Godmother and ripped a hole back to the mortal plane.
I left Lea, cut my way out of the Nevernever, and started walking through my city.
My city. I had no idea if it was anymore. Everything on the mortal plane felt different since taking up the mantle. It took so much to ground myself. Granted, Faerie had the same issue. Neither felt right.
I wondered if this was what it was like to be a changeling. When in the Nevernever, you longed to be out. When in the world of mortals, you felt like slipping back to the Nevernever. I felt like a pendulum swinging between two extremes, moving too fast, like I was about to fly off into nothingness.
I somehow ended up on the far east side of the city, just a few blocks from the lake shore. This area had parks and the Chicagoan version of broadwalks. I walked aimlessly down them. Or maybe up them. I didn't know if I was going north or south and I didn't bother checking street names to figure it out. I made no attempt to steer myself anywhere. I just put on foot in front of the other.
I was deliberately not paying much attention to my surroundings, but eventually I noticed a dark Mercedes had passed me several times. Once I noticed it, I put it out of my mind again. I knew who it was and it wasn't a threat.
It must have parked somewhere, if only long enough to let out a passenger. Soon, I wasn't walking alone. John Marcone fell into step beside me, hands tucked into the pockets of a worn leather jacket. His clothes were casual, incognito. Just a guy going for a walk.
"Would you like to know how I found you?"
"I don't really care right now," I answered, for once my forced honesty not bothering me much. "What do you want?"
"You've been wandering in a fairly aimless fashion for some time. I simply wanted to check on you. It's not like you."
"Been a rough few days," I muttered sullenly.
John looked sideways at me, assessing. "Would you like some company or am I intruding?"
"No and no." Both were true, which was confusing. I shook my head, frowning. "Sorry, I'm just..."
"Yes, I can see that," he said softly, overtaking me in a few quick steps before turning to face me. I stopped, meeting his gaze. "I was going to ask you to dinner. I imagine it's not a good time." I shrugged. "Is there something I can do?"
"I don't know anymore." I looked away, at the rolling waves of the lake. I should've mentioned the fact I was under a charm to speak truths. But so far, it was working for us. I didn't know if it would continue so if he knew.
The thing with John was new, but... nice. We got along like we hadn't been enemies for the last decade. As Knight, I accompanied Winter's representative to the Accords meetings on a regular basis. Marcone never missed a meeting and I'd never missed the opportunity to needle him after the meetings adjourned. Being Knight put things in perspective, and any time I could steal with the first vanilla mortal Signatory made me feel... calmer. I was too deep in Winter to easily reach out to my friends, but John had thrown himself almost deeper into the supernatural. Suddenly, it was easier to talk to him. He got it in a way Murphy, the Carpenters, they couldn't understand.
One week, I got loaned out to the Baron when a mutual enemy came up. There was life-saving on both our parts, a lot of sniping, and a building fire or two. After, John invited me back to his place to be fed and to recoup.
It kind of... spiraled out from there. In my defense, I'd been tired, run down, lonely, and he was very convincing.
So we had a casual arrangement. I sometimes spent my downtime with him. He showed me a good time and helped me make that spike of Winter in my head seem a little farther away. I always felt Mab's presence in my magic, but John made her voice seem quieter, even if only a little bit.
I made the mistake a few months back of asking what he got out of our little liaisons.
"I know that you must have accepted Mab's deal on the condition of never being ordered to hurt those you care for," he had said. "Being one such person affords me monumental protection."
I'd walked out on him and he chased me down until I slowed down enough so he could tell me that wasn't the only reason, but it was how he justified the terrible risk of letting the Winter Knight into his life. That I could hurt him had only barely occurred to me at the time, but for him, it must have been a constant undertone in everything between us. He let himself be vulnerable with me every time he pulled me into his bed.
I wasn't sure if I'd returned the favor yet. With John Marcone, you could cut him, hurt him, throw him neck-deep into things no mortal should have to handle, and he flourished. But really endanger his life and put his empire at risk? That was something bigger than him. Something he seemed to trust me with.
I didn't know what I had in return. I wasn't sure what vulnerabilities I had left. Want to kill me? Been there, done that. Want to bind me into your service? After Mab, John couldn't be worse. There was a moment, back when I was still hunting for a new home, that John asked me to let him help. I'd laughed him off-- it was just house hunting-- but it took me buying my little fixer-upper brownstone and the flash of disappointment on his face to realize what he'd meant.
As we stood there in the middle of the walkway, he was waiting for me to give him a sign. He had the same expression of tentative hopefulness he'd had when he suggested helping me find a home.
I asked, "Can we... go somewhere? Quiet, away from everyone?"
He nodded slowly. "We could go to my place. Would that work?"
"Yeah." I liked this. His questions didn't dredge up anything I didn't want. With John, it was just simple negotiations. Plus side of dealing with a man you soulgazed with and known for ages.
This fill gets me in the heart. Going from Harry's revelation to Michael and Molly to the quiet tentativeness of Marcone - it's mood whiplash, but in a really good way.
"I know that you must have accepted Mab's deal on the condition of never being ordered to hurt those you care for," he had said. "Being one such person affords me monumental protection."
Haaaaaah. Okay, Harry has a truth spell on him -- but Marcone, what's YOUR excuse?
It didn't come out until he got me whisked away to his place. He took my coat to hang up, because he had to be a perfect host at all times, and asked, "Are we ordering in? Would you prefer something in particular?"
Unbidden, I replied, "I'd like you to cook."
"I could likely have something sent it that is superior to anything I could make. Are you sure?"
"Yes. It's not as good, but it's homey. Like you were taught by your mother or something. This is pretty much the only place I get that from, besides Charity."
John turned slowly away from the closet, eyebrows lifted. "Harry..."
I sighed. Nice while it lasted. "I've been... charmed or cursed. I have to answer things truthfully."
I could see that information being carefully processed in John's head. He thought it over slowly and I waited for him to do so. The thing between us had it's unspoken rules of not taking advantage of each other, just the basics to make it work, but this might've been too much for him to benevolently overlook. It was a golden opportunity to mine me for information. I was close to Winter, to the White Council. I knew about necromancy and Denarians. I had holy swords and Lasciel's coin and soulfire. He could force me to tell him my Name or any of the many secrets I kept for myself and others.
I knew that. And I could see him consider each options before setting them aside. He smiled ruefully and shook his head. "I must be a fool."
I let out a relieved breath. I really hadn't been sure how the chips were going to fall there. "Thanks."
He nodded and lead me to the kitchen. I settled in on a bar stool as he took stock, checking cabinets and the fridge. "Do you want to talk about the charm?"
"Yeah." I blinked. That was news to me. "Um."
He gave me a long, appraising look at my hesitation. "You have to speak the truth even if it's not something you recognize as true."
"I guess?" He set a beer in front of me and I helped myself to it. "It's already gotten... awkward." Apparently I'd have preferred death to being Mab's bitch. That was weird to wrap my head around. Weird and a little scary. Should I worry about myself? Seek an intervention? Make sure I don't look longingly at any straight razors? Stars and stones, I didn't know what to do about this.
"I can only imagine. I am assuming this is related to your Knighthood," John said, careful to not make it a question.
"Yeah. I told a little fib to Mab and the Leanansidhe decided to teach me a lesson. And there's an actual lesson too. I haven't figured out what it is yet though." I leaned forward on the kitchen island and watched John chop vegetables with creepy, fast motions. He handled a knife like it was an extension of himself. Unlike with everything else he ever did, he never seemed to think about it.
John chuckled softly. "Your faerie godmother. Has she always gone out of her way to torture you?"
"Since I was sixteen, yes."
The knife thunked against the cutting board, missing the tomato. John twisted to look over her shoulder at me.
I... didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I was almost afraid of uttering another word, of what would come out of my mouth yes.
"Harry," John said quietly. "When you were sixteen, that's when your guardian died in that fire. I imagine that was your handiwork..." He set the knife down and leaned on the island next to me, green eyes boring into the top of my head. I refused to meet his gaze, keeping my gaze down. "Our soulgaze told me as much."
I nodded, eyes on the marble beneath my arms. "Yeah. But that was years ago."
"Such events define us," he said with the certainty of a man who knew what he was talking about. "How..." He seemed to try and stop himself, but couldn't quite manage it. "How was the Leanansidhe involved?"
I tried to stop it. I bit my lips, trying to keep them together, but the charm forced its hand. "I needed to beat Justin. I traded myself to Lea for the power to do it. She took me into the Nevernever and bled me." My hands suddenly curled into fists, tight enough my nails bit into my palms. I wanted it to stop, now. "She d-did things to me. To stake her claim on my life."
I let out a harsh breath, like the words had been punched out of me. Why was I so rattled?
John wasn't done. He just asked, "Things?"
"She blinded me with the blood loss and the glamours and she r--" No. No, no. I slammed a fist onto the table, putting all my will and focus on my words. The lights overhead started flickering wildly. Don't say it-- "Sh-she took me when I was took weak to fight back," I spat out and the icy cold of the compulsion loosened its hold of my voice. I sagged with sudden staggering exhaustion, hunched over the island, gasping for air.
"Harry--"
"No!" I forced my head up to look at John. "Don't you fucking dare, don't ask me anything!"
The knife thunked against the cutting board, missing the tomato. John twisted to look over her shoulder at me.
Christ. Given what comes after this, Harry's forced admission of what Lea did to him and how he fought against saying the damn word and talked around it anyway I have no idea why the image above is what sticks with me, but it is. Like...Marcone just *knew*.
With just one phrase in that specific context, it's like Lea's managed to hit all of Marcone's (admittedly few) known berserk buttons. I suppose that could be considered quite the accomplishment, though most would probably not consider it an accomplishment to be proud of...
The kitchen, lacking windows, was pitch dark after I blew out the lights. The ambient noise of the ceiling fan, the fridge, it was gone. For a moment, I just listened to my own hard breathing, grateful for the loss of sight and sound. It was a balm to all the turbulent emotions I had coursing through me.
Speaking of...
What the hell was that?
I took a shaky breath. "I don't... I don't know why I said that. It wasn't... I made a deal with her. I don't even remember much of what happened, not really." Just her lips like frozen raspberries against my chest as I hung there by my arms. The chill of the air around me and way some of my blood didn't fall into her bowls but ran down my arms, sticky hot along my skin. That was all.
Except now that I thought about it, recalled what happened for the first time in years, I could remembering limply twitching away from the rake of her claw-like nails and how cold her hands were even as heat stirred in my body. Her kissing me, and how I couldn't kiss back because I was so dazzled by the glamour. How she licked her lips like she was savoring me and called me "sweet." How...
I jumped at the light when John struck a match and set it to a candle he'd dug out of somewhere. It was a dim glow in the darkness, illuminating only a few feet around us.
I looked up at John, unsure.
He stared back at me, face tight and somehow pained. "What're you thinking, Harry?"
"Your eyes look like a forest fire in this candlelight," I murmured. Huh. They did, kind of, the way yellow and orange caught in his pupil, circled by that cool green. I hadn't noticed before. Or, I thought I hadn't noticed.
John was still watching me avidly. I could see him working away at something in his head. Whatever it was, he was turning it over slowly, thoroughly, and didn't say anything for a while.
He nodded to himself, then said very precisely. "Your godmother took advantage of you. Have you or have you not been hurt similarly by anyone else?"
"I have." I had? I had no idea. "No, it's not like that. I-I don't think of it like that, John."
He didn't eyebrow at me or smirk or anything. His gaze on my face was starting to feel too intense. I looked away, at the candle. "It would appear you do."
"What Lea did... If she did anything, it was part of the ritual she performed on me. I gave her my life. I knew what I was getting into."
I saw him grimace out of the corner of my eye, mouth turning down into a deeply displeased frown. "And that means it shouldn't matter?"
"I don't know."
"You can't possibly think that. Harry. Harry." His hand curled around my head, fingers twining in my hair and pulling me so I'd look at him. "Who else hurt you?"
"Justin. Bianca, her Court. Lash when she was Shelia. Mab." I shuddered as the compulsion drew more out of me.
"And what did they do to--"
I fell forward, trying to get my hands over his mouth to muffle him. I was suddenly frantic, just wanting it all to go away. The candle tipped over as I got to John, one hand over his mouth, the other planted against the island so I could lean over to him. "Stop. Just stop." My voice cracked a little.
John pulled my hand away, face quietly furious and vengeful. "Have you ever told anyone?"
"No," I snapped. "How could I? It's not the sort of thing you just bring up in conversation!" I tried to yank my wrist out of his grip, movements jerky and not exactly coordinated. "I burned Justin for what he did to me and the goddamn Council tried to hang me for it! Why would I say anything after that?!" John's eyes widened and I succeeded in getting loose form him. I stood and leaned on his chair, half-snarling at him. The anger just poured out of me before I could stop it. "He was a father to me and he invaded my mind and they-- they still look at me like I'm some kind of timebomb!"
John put his hand over mine, trying to make me release what was probably a bruising grip on his shoulder. "Harry, calm down."
"And who should I have told about Lash? If Michael-- he'd kill me if he found out she was in my head, screwing with me! And it's kind of difficult to talk about being passed around by Bianca's people. It's not exactly something you can just casually mention." I was dimly aware of the fact I was shaking, shaking hard enough John reached out and grabbed my arm like he was worried I'd fall. "And Mab-- fuck, by now what does it matter? Anyone else wants a piece of me, they can have Justin's sloppy thirteenths!"
"Harry!" John grabbed my face with both hands, pulling me. I overbalanced and fell against him, nearly in his lap. "Harry, stop!"
I did. I went silent just like that. No compulsion.
I didn't know when Lea's charm stopped and I kept going.
"Oh fuck," I whispered. My eyes stung and I shut them tight. "Oh Christ, I... I didn't..."
John put his arms around me and lowered me down. He moved with me and we both ended up on the tile floor. His legs folded under him and I lay against him, my head on his chest. It wasn't fair, to lean on him like that after I... After I did whatever I just did. Freaked out, to put it mildly.
I got my arms under me and pushed to sit up. John's arms around my chest tightened, holding me still, and he made some nonsense noise at me, soothing me.
He was always doing that. Offering me help and comforts beyond what I expected out of a not-quite-friend-with-benefits.
Winter already owned me. Indulging in what the Baron-Lord was offering could not make my life any more difficult. He couldn't hurt me anymore than anyone else had.
Later, we both sat on the sofa in one of the sitting rooms. John was watching me as I leaned tiredly against the seat back with my legs bent in front of me. I felt oddly... young. I would've thought being confronted with all the terrible things that I'd lived though would make me feel ancient, but the effect was the opposite. For the first time in years, I thought about my father, about that easy comfort of having someone who cared about to give you support when you needed it most.
I lifted my head to look over my knees at John.
He inclined his head at me. "I'm sorry for forcing you to talk about it."
I shook my head. "At the end, it wasn't you doing it, it was me."
"Still." He put his hand on my ankle, thumb rubbing slow circles over my skin. He made no attempt to move closer, and for the moment I was really thankful for that. I felt too... unbalanced for that. "If it would make things easier for you, I would have myself charmed like you've been. To even the playing field."
I snorted shallowly. "Yeah, okay."
"I would."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "It would help you."
"Again. Why?" John was possibly the most powerful vanilla mortal in the world. Giving up his ability to lie, letting himself be compelled to tell the truth and then some, it didn't make sense. It was so dangerous.
He just smiled in a soft, secretive way. I wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but he spoke first. "If you require someone to... speak to, I know a few people." At my blank look, he sighed and elaborated: "Therapists, Harry. I have the names of a few clued-in individuals who provide their services to my people."
A shrink? Seriously? The idea was kind of a joke. How could I talk to someone who was listening for cash? Someone I didn't even know, I couldn't trust them. No, if I was going to talk to someone...
I looked at John and thought about it. The truth charm had dragged up a lot of things I had no idea what to do with. It was all too big, like finding that garden Lea planted on the flipside of my old apartment. I didn't exactly know how I felt. How do you go your whole life not knowing about-- or, I guess, flat-out ignoring-- such a massive part of yourself and then deal with it? When you lied to yourself that long...
Oh hell's bells, was that it? Was that my lesson?
I had a way to be sure.
"Hey." I poked John with my foot. "Ask me what the lesson was."
"What was the lesson?"
I sighed, and felt Lea's magic take my voice. "Lying to others is bad enough on its own, but lying to myself is worse. I've been tearing myself apart and at this rate, I'm going to be the shortest-lived Winter Knight ever." I thought about that and nodded. It made sense. Lea cared about me as much as a faerie could and didn't want me to let myself die. And that... that might've been the path I was on right now.
At least now I knew it. That was a start, and the start was the hardest part.
I met John's gaze, calmer if not quite all right. I thought I could get to 'all right' though. With time. "Ask me if I want to talk about..." I waved a hand, encompassing all the crap I'd been through.
John's smile was sad, but his hand was still warm on my skin. "Do you want to talk about what happened to you?"
The answer wasn't immediate, the compulsion working more slowly. "Yeah." I swallowed. "Not right now though?"
"All right. In your own time." His fingers ran higher under my pant leg, sweeping up and down my calf.
I unbent my legs and scooted down the sofa, closer to him. "I think Lea's spell is breaking. Do you want to ask me anything else?"
John's pupils dilated just like that, his lips parting with a startled inhale. The offer hit him deep. "Why would..." He stopped and revised, cutting out the question. "You'd let me do that."
I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you already dealt with me breaking down all over you. And you, you'd really take an honesty spell if you could?"
"Yes." He shifted to turn towards me, one arm sliding along the back of the sofa and around my shoulders. "A trade, then. I'll ask something of you and you in return can ask anything of me and I'll endeavor to answer as truthfully as I can."
That sounded too good to be true. It was heady and foolish and I wouldn't have agreed to it if all the honesty so far hadn't rubbed me raw and left me wanting something in return. "Okay."
John's fingers danced along my hairline, tracing curves and patterns into my skin. His eyes on me were rapt, unwavering. "I've wondered for some time... You're quite accomplished at sending mixed signals. What am I to you, Mr. Dresden?"
Oh. I wasn't sure. Hell, I had no idea. "You're my lifeline. I think I'd go crazy without you. When I'm with you, Mab's influence isn't so strong." I leaned my head into his hand, exhaling slowly as he massaged my scalp. "I don't have to be a Warden or a Knight here. You never wanted that, even back when we first met. You just wanted me and that's kind of creepy, but I get it. It works for us." By the time I went quiet, I could feel Lea's charm unraveling from my voice. Lesson learned, I suppose.
John looked... pleased. Content or maybe validated by my answer. "Thank you. Your turn, I believe."
I didn't know what I wanted to ask him. I didn't want to betray the trust he'd given me. I didn't want to take advantage, considering he'd surprised the hell out of me by not using my charm against me. I wasn't sure what was important enough that I wanted to know.
But there was something I was dying to know...
I asked quietly, "Why would you even offer that to me?"
"Is that your question?"
I considered, but nodded. "Yeah."
He smiled, candid and warm, then leaned in. John kissed me, long and languid and slow, because he even if he didn't come out and say things, he could be so completely, fearlessly honest in other ways. He had been since he'd tried to get me to move in with him. Maybe even longer ago.
Stars, I thought as I kissed him back. Maybe there was something to this honesty thing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
FILL 1/?
the trick is not to mind that it hurts
The bad thing about being the Winter Knight-- well, okay, there was a lot about it that sucked. If you asked me what the worst part of having the mantle was five times, I'd give you five different answers. I would never say the deal I made with Mab wasn't worth it, because it was, but to say I had regrets would be putting it lightly. There was a lot of ifs. If I had more time, I could have made a deal with someone else. If I'd been stronger, I could have gone without Winter's magic. If the apartment fire hadn't been such a disaster, I wouldn't have paralyzed myself.
If I wasn't the Winter Knight, Lea would back off.
"It was a white lie!" I was trudging through Winter's snowy plains, looking for the right Way to get me back to Chicago. "I got the job done."
My Godmother on her horse kept a steady gallop next to me as I huffed through the knee-high snow. I really needed to learn that walk-above-the-snow trick. I'd hoped it'd come naturally with being a part of the Court, but apparently there was a knack to it I was missing. "My sweet, you must know that lying to your Queen is treasonous."
Treasonous? Seriously? I walked faster, wanting out of Faerie now. I was tempted to just rip a hole to the mortal world and just jump through. I could hitchhike to Chicago. "She wanted the lesser Fae to obey. I got them to obey."
"Not through alliance to this Court, but with bribery," Lea countered chidingly.
Pizza, the Winter Knight's secret weapon. I was supposed to enforce some of Mab's orders with my power, but I didn't like bullying the lesser Fae. There were a bunch of working joes like me. It would be like betraying my people.
"It got done."
"Not out of loyalty to their Queen, but to you. That upsets power and is dangerous."
I shrugged. "What do you want, Lea?"
"To teach you an important lesson, sweet."
Oh, you better believe that set off alarm bells. When I was purely mortal, I had that protection from the Fae. Most of the time, they could not toy with people that didn't somehow belong to them. Now, I was unequivocally property of the Fae. Most didn't dare screw with me, but Mab? Yeah. And my Godmother? She was practically my handler these days.
I reached out to rip a hole out of Faerie. "Appar--"
Lea made a gesture, like catching a snowflake in mid-air, and my voice vanished just like that. She cupped her hands together, looking into her palms. Stars, maybe she had caught my voice. "Let us see what we can do about that dishonest streak, little Knight." Her thumbs swept into the bowl of her hands and I clutched my throat as a ticklish sensation stirred there. What was she doing?
She slid off her mount, hands free, and drifted over the snow to me. She was murmuring into what I assumed was one of my chakra, whichever one it was that handled speech and communication. As she did, I couldn't make myself stop scratching at my neck. Something was going on there and it felt wrong. I didn't have a way to make it stop though. Even if I did, fighting back against Lea would be a bad idea.
After a moment of fiddling, she cupped my chin and nudged her thumb against my lips. "Open," she commanded, and I reluctantly did. She tipped her other hand against my mouth, like she was giving me a drink. I felt some strange ephemeron pour into my mouth and down my throat, like something lighter than water. I drew away, coughing like I'd just swallowed a particularly bubbly drink. My cough had sound to it though, which was a relief.
"What did you do?"
Lea smiled, smoothing my hair tenderly. "Consider it removing a veil. No more hiding truths. Not until you learn."
"Learn what?"
She chuckled and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "That would defeat my purpose." She returned to her mount and swung gracefully up onto it. "And should I hear tale that you are hiding away in your little house, behind your little wards, I will be displeased."
She rode back to Arctic Tor. Not a single flake of snow was disturbed by her travel.
I, on the other hand, forced my way back to Chicago, each step an effort with the weight of whatever charm laid on me pushing down on me.
Re: FILL 1/?
I love how we all just pop Lea in whenever we need something bizarre/appalling done to Harry. Because she is always appropriate for these endeavors.
Re: FILL 1/?
And, to be totally obvious, I completely fucking love Harry+Lea. It's up there with Marcone+Ivy for friendship OTP.
Re: FILL 1/?
Re: FILL 1/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-14 12:18 am (UTC)(link)FILL 2/? (quick correction)
But fighting the Leanansidhe, perhaps the most powerful Fae in Winter but the Queens themselves, was not a great idea.
I needed to know what I was up against before adventuring out past my front door. I went to talk to Bob in the basement of my brownstone. Having a basement had been almost the deciding factor of picking out my new place. I just couldn't keep my lab anywhere else. It was habit by now.
"Bob," I called as I pulled on my robe. I didn't actually feel cold much anymore, but it was another habit I retained from Before (as I mentally referred to the time before I took the mantle and was killed). "Wake up, lazybones, I've been charmed and need a consult."
Bob's eyelights blinked on. "Charmed? The sexy kind or-- oh!" His orange light shone on my neck. "Not the sexy kind. Unless you're into magical bondage. I got a few ideas you could try out on your boyfriend."
Yeah, that'd go over well for the half-second it'd take for John to get a knife at my throat. "No. My Godmother is teaching me that lying is naughty. Can you see what's been done?"
"Of course. Nice work. Delicate. She's tied your voice to a deep part of your mind. What you say is going to come directly from there, no trims or frills. You'll probably answer questions faster and with complete honesty."
I groaned. "I got truth-spelled?"
"Yeah. Allow me to demonstrate," he said, then asked very quickly, "You and Murphy, why haven't you two gotten it on yet?"
"Almost did," I answered without hesitation. "She never wanted a relationship with me, but I agreed to a one-night thing as one last hurrah before being the Winter Knight. I got shot before I could go through with it."
I recoiled like someone had slapped me. "Wait, that... something's wrong, that's not true."
"You're alive again. Why not bed her now?"
"Because I didn't want to do it before. I just wanted a comfort after Maggie and the Knight thing. I was going to give up my free will to Mab. After that, bending to Murphy's terms didn't hurt so much." I slapped a hand over my mouth, too late. "That's not--" When Bob's jaw opened again, I nearly flung myself at him. "No! No more! Don't ask me anything else!"
Bob's lights dimmed. "Boss..."
"Something's wrong with the charm. All that, it wasn't true." It wasn't. I wanted to sleep with Murphy. Okay, it was a bit of a last hurrah, but I cared about Murphy. I didn't think of it that way. We were friends who'd been through hell together to save my daughter. I wanted to be with her. If it wasn't in the way I wanted, that was... fine. It was fine.
"I don't know, Harry. Why would--" I glared at Bob and he rephrased. "I just wonder why she would curse you to lie?"
I shrugged. "Hey, it could work. She could be showing me that lying causes more trouble than telling the truth, so when the compulsion's gone, I'll be more likely to tell the truth." It made sense to me. I sighed in relief at having figured out Lea's deal.
Bob didn't sound as confident. "I'm looking at the spell working. It doesn't really look like that..."
"But it makes sense. Occam's Razor."
"Occam's Razor doesn't really work on Fae. They don't think like you mortals do."
I knew that from experience. But I didn't want that to be true.
Either way, I couldn't stay cooped up inside. Lea made that clear. Things were going to be... interesting.
Re: FILL 2/? (quick correction)
Re: FILL 2/? (quick correction)
Re: FILL 2/? (quick correction)
(Anonymous) 2011-02-14 04:42 am (UTC)(link)FILL 3/?
I should've just stayed home.
Molly was in a good mood that clashed with my stormy disposition. "Hey, boss, what's got you grumpy this time?"
Right off the bat. I couldn't keep my mouth shut. It's like my entire body stopped as words poured out of me, my control only coming back when I was done. "The Leanansidhe's put a curse on me so I can't lie." I shook myself hard. "No, I can't tell the truth. That's it."
Molly blinked at me. "Oh. Um. Hold on, I remember this riddle from Labyrinth."
I sighed. "Just..." I rubbed my face. "Warding. We're going to work on warding. And you're not going to ask me any questions."
She frowned at me. "If I can't ask questions, how am I going to learn?"
"You're not." I winced. "Okay, you can ask, but... just be careful what you ask." I pulled out a notebook I'd filled with runes and symbols. "Here. Work on copying these, as perfect as you can. It's important to be able to write the ward anchors perfectly before we attempt anything."
So I got Molly working on the paperwork and stole a glass of homemade lemonade from the Carpenters' fridge.
Michael came in, grabbed his own glass, and poured more lemonade. He topped off my glass as well. "Harry." He smiled warmly at me. "How is your Knighthood going?"
Oh crap. "Horribly. I hate it. A lot of time, I don't even feel human anymore. I have dreams about falling into the lake and not coming back, and they're not nightmares."
Michael's jaw dropped. Through the kitchen doorway, I could see Molly's head snap up, a similar expression of shock on her face.
I couldn't do this. Goddamn Lea, I couldn't just say things like that to my friends, to the people who were the closest thing I had to family. I didn't need to think about those dreams. There was too much bubbling under the surface and the most innocent questions brought it all up, like a pot boiling over.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. "Dammit." I exhaled. "Dammit." I tore out of the kitchen, grabbing my staff. "Molly, explain-- explain that, I have to leave."
As I headed out the door, I hear Michael call after me, "Where are you going?"
"Winter!" I answered before hoping into the Nevernever.
I scorched a circle in the snow around, fueling my fire with raw hurt and anger. This was ridiculous. I had told one white lie to my Queen and in return Lea screwed me over like this. How the hell was this an appropriate response? And what the hell was the lesson? If it was to be more honest, Lea had certainly screwed it up royally. Now I was convinced the random lie was for the greater good. Nothing would come out of telling my friends how miserable I was. Nothing would come out of examining the... thing with Murphy, especially not now.
So I brought up my circle around me and called out. "Leanansidhe! Leanansidhe! Leanansidhe! Come forth! The Winter Knight demands audience!"
I broke the circle with a toe and felt my call radiate out into Winter like a ripple.
I don't know if it was because my new rank actually had some leverage or if she'd been waiting for me, but within a few minutes, I heard the hounds to the east. Or to my right, anyway. I didn't know if compass directions had meaning in the Nevernever. Probably not.
I walked to meet her, not having to worry about trudging through the snow because it melted before me. I should've been tapping further into icy Winter magic, but had yet to really feel the urge to. Probably part and parcel of that wishing I hadn't come back from the dead thing.
Stars, now I knew how Buffy felt. But it shouldn't've mattered. I made the deal with Mab, I'd suck it up and suffer through. No one else made me take up the mantle. It was my burden, not to be undone by a simple, innocent question from a man I trusted.
Lea brought her mount to a stop as I approached. "You summoned me, my sweet Knight?"
I pointed to my neck. "Take it off. Get rid of it. Now."
She threw her head back and laughed. "Such forcefulness! What is the problem?"
"I can't go around answering every fucking question honestly! When someone asks me how my life's going, they don't need the specifics!"
She nodded attentively. "So you need to lie to your loved ones."
"No! It's not lying it's..." I scrubbed my face, looking for the right word. "Not volunteering information. It's knowing when the right time to talk about these things is. And chatting over lemonade in the kitchen is not the right time!"
She reached down and put a hand on my hair, brushing my bangs back, giving me a vaguely maternal look. "My sweet, I am not of your people, but even I know that what you're doing will beget only more suffering." She raked her nails over my scalp and I felt some of my anger pulled away, a dull calm replacing it. "You are not learning the lesson. I do not do this to pain you, but out of concern for you, my Knight. My godson."
"Lea..."
"You are going to be bound to Winter for a long time, child. As things stand, I can see you ripping yourself apart, piece by piece, and denying it every time someone says you're bleeding." She touched her fingers to her lips, then to my forehead. "Go back to your world, little one. I've dispensed all the help I can."
My anger was soothed, swept away by Faerie magic, leaving me feeling empty where it had been. I didn't want to fight her anymore. I just felt like I was hurt, aching deep in my bones.
I nodded slowly to my Godmother and ripped a hole back to the mortal plane.
FILL 4/?
My city. I had no idea if it was anymore. Everything on the mortal plane felt different since taking up the mantle. It took so much to ground myself. Granted, Faerie had the same issue. Neither felt right.
I wondered if this was what it was like to be a changeling. When in the Nevernever, you longed to be out. When in the world of mortals, you felt like slipping back to the Nevernever. I felt like a pendulum swinging between two extremes, moving too fast, like I was about to fly off into nothingness.
I somehow ended up on the far east side of the city, just a few blocks from the lake shore. This area had parks and the Chicagoan version of broadwalks. I walked aimlessly down them. Or maybe up them. I didn't know if I was going north or south and I didn't bother checking street names to figure it out. I made no attempt to steer myself anywhere. I just put on foot in front of the other.
I was deliberately not paying much attention to my surroundings, but eventually I noticed a dark Mercedes had passed me several times. Once I noticed it, I put it out of my mind again. I knew who it was and it wasn't a threat.
It must have parked somewhere, if only long enough to let out a passenger. Soon, I wasn't walking alone. John Marcone fell into step beside me, hands tucked into the pockets of a worn leather jacket. His clothes were casual, incognito. Just a guy going for a walk.
"Would you like to know how I found you?"
"I don't really care right now," I answered, for once my forced honesty not bothering me much. "What do you want?"
"You've been wandering in a fairly aimless fashion for some time. I simply wanted to check on you. It's not like you."
"Been a rough few days," I muttered sullenly.
John looked sideways at me, assessing. "Would you like some company or am I intruding?"
"No and no." Both were true, which was confusing. I shook my head, frowning. "Sorry, I'm just..."
"Yes, I can see that," he said softly, overtaking me in a few quick steps before turning to face me. I stopped, meeting his gaze. "I was going to ask you to dinner. I imagine it's not a good time." I shrugged. "Is there something I can do?"
"I don't know anymore." I looked away, at the rolling waves of the lake. I should've mentioned the fact I was under a charm to speak truths. But so far, it was working for us. I didn't know if it would continue so if he knew.
The thing with John was new, but... nice. We got along like we hadn't been enemies for the last decade. As Knight, I accompanied Winter's representative to the Accords meetings on a regular basis. Marcone never missed a meeting and I'd never missed the opportunity to needle him after the meetings adjourned. Being Knight put things in perspective, and any time I could steal with the first vanilla mortal Signatory made me feel... calmer. I was too deep in Winter to easily reach out to my friends, but John had thrown himself almost deeper into the supernatural. Suddenly, it was easier to talk to him. He got it in a way Murphy, the Carpenters, they couldn't understand.
One week, I got loaned out to the Baron when a mutual enemy came up. There was life-saving on both our parts, a lot of sniping, and a building fire or two. After, John invited me back to his place to be fed and to recoup.
It kind of... spiraled out from there. In my defense, I'd been tired, run down, lonely, and he was very convincing.
So we had a casual arrangement. I sometimes spent my downtime with him. He showed me a good time and helped me make that spike of Winter in my head seem a little farther away. I always felt Mab's presence in my magic, but John made her voice seem quieter, even if only a little bit.
I made the mistake a few months back of asking what he got out of our little liaisons.
"I know that you must have accepted Mab's deal on the condition of never being ordered to hurt those you care for," he had said. "Being one such person affords me monumental protection."
I'd walked out on him and he chased me down until I slowed down enough so he could tell me that wasn't the only reason, but it was how he justified the terrible risk of letting the Winter Knight into his life. That I could hurt him had only barely occurred to me at the time, but for him, it must have been a constant undertone in everything between us. He let himself be vulnerable with me every time he pulled me into his bed.
I wasn't sure if I'd returned the favor yet. With John Marcone, you could cut him, hurt him, throw him neck-deep into things no mortal should have to handle, and he flourished. But really endanger his life and put his empire at risk? That was something bigger than him. Something he seemed to trust me with.
I didn't know what I had in return. I wasn't sure what vulnerabilities I had left. Want to kill me? Been there, done that. Want to bind me into your service? After Mab, John couldn't be worse. There was a moment, back when I was still hunting for a new home, that John asked me to let him help. I'd laughed him off-- it was just house hunting-- but it took me buying my little fixer-upper brownstone and the flash of disappointment on his face to realize what he'd meant.
As we stood there in the middle of the walkway, he was waiting for me to give him a sign. He had the same expression of tentative hopefulness he'd had when he suggested helping me find a home.
I asked, "Can we... go somewhere? Quiet, away from everyone?"
He nodded slowly. "We could go to my place. Would that work?"
"Yeah." I liked this. His questions didn't dredge up anything I didn't want. With John, it was just simple negotiations. Plus side of dealing with a man you soulgazed with and known for ages.
Re: FILL 4/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 05:16 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL 4/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 06:02 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL 4/?
Re: FILL 4/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-15 07:09 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL 4/?
Re: FILL 4/?
(Anonymous) 2011-03-14 05:53 am (UTC)(link)Haaaaaah. Okay, Harry has a truth spell on him -- but Marcone, what's YOUR excuse?
FILL 5/?
Unbidden, I replied, "I'd like you to cook."
"I could likely have something sent it that is superior to anything I could make. Are you sure?"
"Yes. It's not as good, but it's homey. Like you were taught by your mother or something. This is pretty much the only place I get that from, besides Charity."
John turned slowly away from the closet, eyebrows lifted. "Harry..."
I sighed. Nice while it lasted. "I've been... charmed or cursed. I have to answer things truthfully."
I could see that information being carefully processed in John's head. He thought it over slowly and I waited for him to do so. The thing between us had it's unspoken rules of not taking advantage of each other, just the basics to make it work, but this might've been too much for him to benevolently overlook. It was a golden opportunity to mine me for information. I was close to Winter, to the White Council. I knew about necromancy and Denarians. I had holy swords and Lasciel's coin and soulfire. He could force me to tell him my Name or any of the many secrets I kept for myself and others.
I knew that. And I could see him consider each options before setting them aside. He smiled ruefully and shook his head. "I must be a fool."
I let out a relieved breath. I really hadn't been sure how the chips were going to fall there. "Thanks."
He nodded and lead me to the kitchen. I settled in on a bar stool as he took stock, checking cabinets and the fridge. "Do you want to talk about the charm?"
"Yeah." I blinked. That was news to me. "Um."
He gave me a long, appraising look at my hesitation. "You have to speak the truth even if it's not something you recognize as true."
"I guess?" He set a beer in front of me and I helped myself to it. "It's already gotten... awkward." Apparently I'd have preferred death to being Mab's bitch. That was weird to wrap my head around. Weird and a little scary. Should I worry about myself? Seek an intervention? Make sure I don't look longingly at any straight razors? Stars and stones, I didn't know what to do about this.
"I can only imagine. I am assuming this is related to your Knighthood," John said, careful to not make it a question.
"Yeah. I told a little fib to Mab and the Leanansidhe decided to teach me a lesson. And there's an actual lesson too. I haven't figured out what it is yet though." I leaned forward on the kitchen island and watched John chop vegetables with creepy, fast motions. He handled a knife like it was an extension of himself. Unlike with everything else he ever did, he never seemed to think about it.
John chuckled softly. "Your faerie godmother. Has she always gone out of her way to torture you?"
"Since I was sixteen, yes."
The knife thunked against the cutting board, missing the tomato. John twisted to look over her shoulder at me.
I... didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I was almost afraid of uttering another word, of what would come out of my mouth yes.
"Harry," John said quietly. "When you were sixteen, that's when your guardian died in that fire. I imagine that was your handiwork..." He set the knife down and leaned on the island next to me, green eyes boring into the top of my head. I refused to meet his gaze, keeping my gaze down. "Our soulgaze told me as much."
I nodded, eyes on the marble beneath my arms. "Yeah. But that was years ago."
"Such events define us," he said with the certainty of a man who knew what he was talking about. "How..." He seemed to try and stop himself, but couldn't quite manage it. "How was the Leanansidhe involved?"
I tried to stop it. I bit my lips, trying to keep them together, but the charm forced its hand. "I needed to beat Justin. I traded myself to Lea for the power to do it. She took me into the Nevernever and bled me." My hands suddenly curled into fists, tight enough my nails bit into my palms. I wanted it to stop, now. "She d-did things to me. To stake her claim on my life."
I let out a harsh breath, like the words had been punched out of me. Why was I so rattled?
John wasn't done. He just asked, "Things?"
"She blinded me with the blood loss and the glamours and she r--" No. No, no. I slammed a fist onto the table, putting all my will and focus on my words. The lights overhead started flickering wildly. Don't say it-- "Sh-she took me when I was took weak to fight back," I spat out and the icy cold of the compulsion loosened its hold of my voice. I sagged with sudden staggering exhaustion, hunched over the island, gasping for air.
"Harry--"
"No!" I forced my head up to look at John. "Don't you fucking dare, don't ask me anything!"
The lights in the kitchen went out. Great.
Re: FILL 5/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-18 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)"I could see him consider each options before setting them aside. He smiled ruefully and shook his head. "I must be a fool."
Oh, *Marcone* <3
"She d-did things to me"
Oh, Haaaaaary. <3 <3
Oh, author I <3 this fic. I <3 it, and you and them. <3 so much.
Re: FILL 5/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 12:00 am (UTC)(link)Re: FILL 5/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 02:18 am (UTC)(link)Christ. Given what comes after this, Harry's forced admission of what Lea did to him and how he fought against saying the damn word and talked around it anyway I have no idea why the image above is what sticks with me, but it is. Like...Marcone just *knew*.
Re: FILL 5/?
Re: FILL 5/?
(Anonymous) - 2011-02-19 02:32 (UTC) - ExpandRe: FILL 5/?
(Anonymous) 2011-02-19 10:07 am (UTC)(link)With just one phrase in that specific context, it's like Lea's managed to hit all of Marcone's (admittedly few) known berserk buttons. I suppose that could be considered quite the accomplishment, though most would probably not consider it an accomplishment to be proud of...
FILL 6/?
Speaking of...
What the hell was that?
I took a shaky breath. "I don't... I don't know why I said that. It wasn't... I made a deal with her. I don't even remember much of what happened, not really." Just her lips like frozen raspberries against my chest as I hung there by my arms. The chill of the air around me and way some of my blood didn't fall into her bowls but ran down my arms, sticky hot along my skin. That was all.
Except now that I thought about it, recalled what happened for the first time in years, I could remembering limply twitching away from the rake of her claw-like nails and how cold her hands were even as heat stirred in my body. Her kissing me, and how I couldn't kiss back because I was so dazzled by the glamour. How she licked her lips like she was savoring me and called me "sweet." How...
I jumped at the light when John struck a match and set it to a candle he'd dug out of somewhere. It was a dim glow in the darkness, illuminating only a few feet around us.
I looked up at John, unsure.
He stared back at me, face tight and somehow pained. "What're you thinking, Harry?"
"Your eyes look like a forest fire in this candlelight," I murmured. Huh. They did, kind of, the way yellow and orange caught in his pupil, circled by that cool green. I hadn't noticed before. Or, I thought I hadn't noticed.
John was still watching me avidly. I could see him working away at something in his head. Whatever it was, he was turning it over slowly, thoroughly, and didn't say anything for a while.
He nodded to himself, then said very precisely. "Your godmother took advantage of you. Have you or have you not been hurt similarly by anyone else?"
"I have." I had? I had no idea. "No, it's not like that. I-I don't think of it like that, John."
He didn't eyebrow at me or smirk or anything. His gaze on my face was starting to feel too intense. I looked away, at the candle. "It would appear you do."
"What Lea did... If she did anything, it was part of the ritual she performed on me. I gave her my life. I knew what I was getting into."
I saw him grimace out of the corner of my eye, mouth turning down into a deeply displeased frown. "And that means it shouldn't matter?"
"I don't know."
"You can't possibly think that. Harry. Harry." His hand curled around my head, fingers twining in my hair and pulling me so I'd look at him. "Who else hurt you?"
"Justin. Bianca, her Court. Lash when she was Shelia. Mab." I shuddered as the compulsion drew more out of me.
"And what did they do to--"
I fell forward, trying to get my hands over his mouth to muffle him. I was suddenly frantic, just wanting it all to go away. The candle tipped over as I got to John, one hand over his mouth, the other planted against the island so I could lean over to him. "Stop. Just stop." My voice cracked a little.
John pulled my hand away, face quietly furious and vengeful. "Have you ever told anyone?"
"No," I snapped. "How could I? It's not the sort of thing you just bring up in conversation!" I tried to yank my wrist out of his grip, movements jerky and not exactly coordinated. "I burned Justin for what he did to me and the goddamn Council tried to hang me for it! Why would I say anything after that?!" John's eyes widened and I succeeded in getting loose form him. I stood and leaned on his chair, half-snarling at him. The anger just poured out of me before I could stop it. "He was a father to me and he invaded my mind and they-- they still look at me like I'm some kind of timebomb!"
John put his hand over mine, trying to make me release what was probably a bruising grip on his shoulder. "Harry, calm down."
"And who should I have told about Lash? If Michael-- he'd kill me if he found out she was in my head, screwing with me! And it's kind of difficult to talk about being passed around by Bianca's people. It's not exactly something you can just casually mention." I was dimly aware of the fact I was shaking, shaking hard enough John reached out and grabbed my arm like he was worried I'd fall. "And Mab-- fuck, by now what does it matter? Anyone else wants a piece of me, they can have Justin's sloppy thirteenths!"
"Harry!" John grabbed my face with both hands, pulling me. I overbalanced and fell against him, nearly in his lap. "Harry, stop!"
I did. I went silent just like that. No compulsion.
I didn't know when Lea's charm stopped and I kept going.
"Oh fuck," I whispered. My eyes stung and I shut them tight. "Oh Christ, I... I didn't..."
John put his arms around me and lowered me down. He moved with me and we both ended up on the tile floor. His legs folded under him and I lay against him, my head on his chest. It wasn't fair, to lean on him like that after I... After I did whatever I just did. Freaked out, to put it mildly.
I got my arms under me and pushed to sit up. John's arms around my chest tightened, holding me still, and he made some nonsense noise at me, soothing me.
He was always doing that. Offering me help and comforts beyond what I expected out of a not-quite-friend-with-benefits.
Winter already owned me. Indulging in what the Baron-Lord was offering could not make my life any more difficult. He couldn't hurt me anymore than anyone else had.
I put my head back down and shut my eyes.
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Re: FILL 6/?
(Anonymous) - 2011-02-19 05:29 (UTC) - ExpandCompleted! Fill 7/7
I lifted my head to look over my knees at John.
He inclined his head at me. "I'm sorry for forcing you to talk about it."
I shook my head. "At the end, it wasn't you doing it, it was me."
"Still." He put his hand on my ankle, thumb rubbing slow circles over my skin. He made no attempt to move closer, and for the moment I was really thankful for that. I felt too... unbalanced for that. "If it would make things easier for you, I would have myself charmed like you've been. To even the playing field."
I snorted shallowly. "Yeah, okay."
"I would."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "It would help you."
"Again. Why?" John was possibly the most powerful vanilla mortal in the world. Giving up his ability to lie, letting himself be compelled to tell the truth and then some, it didn't make sense. It was so dangerous.
He just smiled in a soft, secretive way. I wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but he spoke first. "If you require someone to... speak to, I know a few people." At my blank look, he sighed and elaborated: "Therapists, Harry. I have the names of a few clued-in individuals who provide their services to my people."
A shrink? Seriously? The idea was kind of a joke. How could I talk to someone who was listening for cash? Someone I didn't even know, I couldn't trust them. No, if I was going to talk to someone...
I looked at John and thought about it. The truth charm had dragged up a lot of things I had no idea what to do with. It was all too big, like finding that garden Lea planted on the flipside of my old apartment. I didn't exactly know how I felt. How do you go your whole life not knowing about-- or, I guess, flat-out ignoring-- such a massive part of yourself and then deal with it? When you lied to yourself that long...
Oh hell's bells, was that it? Was that my lesson?
I had a way to be sure.
"Hey." I poked John with my foot. "Ask me what the lesson was."
"What was the lesson?"
I sighed, and felt Lea's magic take my voice. "Lying to others is bad enough on its own, but lying to myself is worse. I've been tearing myself apart and at this rate, I'm going to be the shortest-lived Winter Knight ever." I thought about that and nodded. It made sense. Lea cared about me as much as a faerie could and didn't want me to let myself die. And that... that might've been the path I was on right now.
At least now I knew it. That was a start, and the start was the hardest part.
I met John's gaze, calmer if not quite all right. I thought I could get to 'all right' though. With time. "Ask me if I want to talk about..." I waved a hand, encompassing all the crap I'd been through.
John's smile was sad, but his hand was still warm on my skin. "Do you want to talk about what happened to you?"
The answer wasn't immediate, the compulsion working more slowly. "Yeah." I swallowed. "Not right now though?"
"All right. In your own time." His fingers ran higher under my pant leg, sweeping up and down my calf.
I unbent my legs and scooted down the sofa, closer to him. "I think Lea's spell is breaking. Do you want to ask me anything else?"
John's pupils dilated just like that, his lips parting with a startled inhale. The offer hit him deep. "Why would..." He stopped and revised, cutting out the question. "You'd let me do that."
I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you already dealt with me breaking down all over you. And you, you'd really take an honesty spell if you could?"
"Yes." He shifted to turn towards me, one arm sliding along the back of the sofa and around my shoulders. "A trade, then. I'll ask something of you and you in return can ask anything of me and I'll endeavor to answer as truthfully as I can."
That sounded too good to be true. It was heady and foolish and I wouldn't have agreed to it if all the honesty so far hadn't rubbed me raw and left me wanting something in return. "Okay."
John's fingers danced along my hairline, tracing curves and patterns into my skin. His eyes on me were rapt, unwavering. "I've wondered for some time... You're quite accomplished at sending mixed signals. What am I to you, Mr. Dresden?"
Oh. I wasn't sure. Hell, I had no idea. "You're my lifeline. I think I'd go crazy without you. When I'm with you, Mab's influence isn't so strong." I leaned my head into his hand, exhaling slowly as he massaged my scalp. "I don't have to be a Warden or a Knight here. You never wanted that, even back when we first met. You just wanted me and that's kind of creepy, but I get it. It works for us." By the time I went quiet, I could feel Lea's charm unraveling from my voice. Lesson learned, I suppose.
John looked... pleased. Content or maybe validated by my answer. "Thank you. Your turn, I believe."
I didn't know what I wanted to ask him. I didn't want to betray the trust he'd given me. I didn't want to take advantage, considering he'd surprised the hell out of me by not using my charm against me. I wasn't sure what was important enough that I wanted to know.
But there was something I was dying to know...
I asked quietly, "Why would you even offer that to me?"
"Is that your question?"
I considered, but nodded. "Yeah."
He smiled, candid and warm, then leaned in. John kissed me, long and languid and slow, because he even if he didn't come out and say things, he could be so completely, fearlessly honest in other ways. He had been since he'd tried to get me to move in with him. Maybe even longer ago.
Stars, I thought as I kissed him back. Maybe there was something to this honesty thing.
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Re: FILL 1/?