The kitchen, lacking windows, was pitch dark after I blew out the lights. The ambient noise of the ceiling fan, the fridge, it was gone. For a moment, I just listened to my own hard breathing, grateful for the loss of sight and sound. It was a balm to all the turbulent emotions I had coursing through me.

Speaking of...

What the hell was that?

I took a shaky breath. "I don't... I don't know why I said that. It wasn't... I made a deal with her. I don't even remember much of what happened, not really." Just her lips like frozen raspberries against my chest as I hung there by my arms. The chill of the air around me and way some of my blood didn't fall into her bowls but ran down my arms, sticky hot along my skin. That was all.

Except now that I thought about it, recalled what happened for the first time in years, I could remembering limply twitching away from the rake of her claw-like nails and how cold her hands were even as heat stirred in my body. Her kissing me, and how I couldn't kiss back because I was so dazzled by the glamour. How she licked her lips like she was savoring me and called me "sweet." How...

I jumped at the light when John struck a match and set it to a candle he'd dug out of somewhere. It was a dim glow in the darkness, illuminating only a few feet around us.

I looked up at John, unsure.

He stared back at me, face tight and somehow pained. "What're you thinking, Harry?"

"Your eyes look like a forest fire in this candlelight," I murmured. Huh. They did, kind of, the way yellow and orange caught in his pupil, circled by that cool green. I hadn't noticed before. Or, I thought I hadn't noticed.

John was still watching me avidly. I could see him working away at something in his head. Whatever it was, he was turning it over slowly, thoroughly, and didn't say anything for a while.

He nodded to himself, then said very precisely. "Your godmother took advantage of you. Have you or have you not been hurt similarly by anyone else?"

"I have." I had? I had no idea. "No, it's not like that. I-I don't think of it like that, John."

He didn't eyebrow at me or smirk or anything. His gaze on my face was starting to feel too intense. I looked away, at the candle. "It would appear you do."

"What Lea did... If she did anything, it was part of the ritual she performed on me. I gave her my life. I knew what I was getting into."

I saw him grimace out of the corner of my eye, mouth turning down into a deeply displeased frown. "And that means it shouldn't matter?"

"I don't know."

"You can't possibly think that. Harry. Harry." His hand curled around my head, fingers twining in my hair and pulling me so I'd look at him. "Who else hurt you?"

"Justin. Bianca, her Court. Lash when she was Shelia. Mab." I shuddered as the compulsion drew more out of me.

"And what did they do to--"

I fell forward, trying to get my hands over his mouth to muffle him. I was suddenly frantic, just wanting it all to go away. The candle tipped over as I got to John, one hand over his mouth, the other planted against the island so I could lean over to him. "Stop. Just stop." My voice cracked a little.

John pulled my hand away, face quietly furious and vengeful. "Have you ever told anyone?"

"No," I snapped. "How could I? It's not the sort of thing you just bring up in conversation!" I tried to yank my wrist out of his grip, movements jerky and not exactly coordinated. "I burned Justin for what he did to me and the goddamn Council tried to hang me for it! Why would I say anything after that?!" John's eyes widened and I succeeded in getting loose form him. I stood and leaned on his chair, half-snarling at him. The anger just poured out of me before I could stop it. "He was a father to me and he invaded my mind and they-- they still look at me like I'm some kind of timebomb!"

John put his hand over mine, trying to make me release what was probably a bruising grip on his shoulder. "Harry, calm down."

"And who should I have told about Lash? If Michael-- he'd kill me if he found out she was in my head, screwing with me! And it's kind of difficult to talk about being passed around by Bianca's people. It's not exactly something you can just casually mention." I was dimly aware of the fact I was shaking, shaking hard enough John reached out and grabbed my arm like he was worried I'd fall. "And Mab-- fuck, by now what does it matter? Anyone else wants a piece of me, they can have Justin's sloppy thirteenths!"

"Harry!" John grabbed my face with both hands, pulling me. I overbalanced and fell against him, nearly in his lap. "Harry, stop!"

I did. I went silent just like that. No compulsion.

I didn't know when Lea's charm stopped and I kept going.

"Oh fuck," I whispered. My eyes stung and I shut them tight. "Oh Christ, I... I didn't..."

John put his arms around me and lowered me down. He moved with me and we both ended up on the tile floor. His legs folded under him and I lay against him, my head on his chest. It wasn't fair, to lean on him like that after I... After I did whatever I just did. Freaked out, to put it mildly.

I got my arms under me and pushed to sit up. John's arms around my chest tightened, holding me still, and he made some nonsense noise at me, soothing me.

He was always doing that. Offering me help and comforts beyond what I expected out of a not-quite-friend-with-benefits.

Winter already owned me. Indulging in what the Baron-Lord was offering could not make my life any more difficult. He couldn't hurt me anymore than anyone else had.

I put my head back down and shut my eyes.